Quieting my Soul

It was 6:50 this morning when I first stepped out my door to begin walking.  The songs of the birds are so beautiful in spring, and while the morning was cloudy and gray, the balmy temperature created its own kind of sunshine.  As I walked down the alley, I lifted my hands to heaven and asked God to use me.  "God, please, use the words I write, the words I say, the people I come in contact with...please use me."  As I walked, I prayed for my church, for my neighbors, and just for peace.  I saw two red breasted robins, and they reminded me to pray for my friend Robin.  She's been growing in her faith so much, stepping out and serving God in new ways.  I prayed for my Gramma as I passed by the apartment she will soon be moving in to.  I lifted my wonderful mother in law up in prayer as I saw her jeep in her work parking lot.  I thought of friends who helped me get through this tough weekend---Adriane, Leah, Bettina, and all those who had been lifting my daughter Lydia up in prayer as she recovers from a concussion.  When I arrived back home, it was time to go for another walk...to school.  The path to the school takes us through the cemetery.  

Some people may be disturbed by a daily walk that includes headstones, but my children and I always enjoy the flowers, birds, and wildlife we see there.  This morning, hand in hand the three of us walked.  We praised God out-loud for protecting Lydia and for helping her heal.  The praise soon turned into Micah and Lydia talking about how dumb concussions are, but I didn't mind.  I felt the same way.  The weekend had been full of turmoil.  Testing, waiting, pain, doctors, and vomiting, followed by more vomiting.  Once Lydia had been on the mend, I was struck with a migraine (I'm guessing caused by stress) that caused me to sleep from one in the afternoon until 6:23 this morning.  Oh, except when my migraine caused me to throw up too.  So, the walk, the peace of the outdoors in the morning was just what my heart needed.  Calm, serenity, and refreshment.  

Maybe your heart is troubled?  Perhaps you feel overwhelmed?  Maybe you just feel like you have too much to do.  I encourage you, lace up your sneakers, and head outside.  A quick ten minute walk---especially one where you talk to God---can do wonders for your soul.

Talking about "it"

If there is one thing I'm keenly aware of, it is the fact that my life depends on the weight loss journey I'm enduring.  Now, most of the time I would never write the word enduring, but rather I would say, "enjoying."   However, reality has been quite harsh and there is no denying that right now I'm enduring.

Remember the "it" I referenced a few blog posts ago?  Well, today, I'm talking about it.  I'm letting you in on my little secret.  Back in January, I noticed the scale was going down rather fast.  I chalked the success up to finally getting my anemia under control.  However, one day I stepped on the scale and instead of the 280's it said 234!  I knew I had not lost fifty pounds overnight and instantly, the truth hit me.

My scale was broken.  I consoled myself saying, "Well, at least I made it below 300."  But, then doubts crept in.  Just how long had my scale been broken?  What was my true weight.  Gathering up money that I didn't really have to spend, I went to the store and purchased a reliable brand of a scale.  When I stepped on that night, nothing could have prepared me for what it said.  315.

Yes, that is correct.  Three hundred and fifteen pounds.  I was furious!  How could this be?  I was working so very hard.  It was so unfair!  All my milestones that I believed I had accomplished were stolen away from me.  No more fifty pounds, no more sixty or seventy pounds lost...and I was back over 300 pounds in an instant.

That's a hard mental battle to fight.  Instantly weighing more that twenty pounds more than you thought you do.  And friends, to be quite honest, I have not recovered from that yet.  I feel defeated, deceived, and discouraged.  Trying to stay on this journey has started to feel pointless.   Even hopeless.

Then I remember the things that God has called me to...raising my family, loving and encouraging my husband, my friendships, MOPS, VBS, babysitting the children I watch, reaching out to my neighbors----those are the things that keep me motivated.  As I mentioned before, I know my very LIFE DEPENDS on this journey.  And I plan on making the most of every day I have here on Earth to serve the Lord and love the people around me.

Part of loving those people means caring for myself.  So, please, I'm begging you, pray for me.  I've been struggling...struggling very hard to eat well.  Since my day I weighed in at 315, I have gained another four pounds.  I'm up to 319.4.  I'm trying so hard to reset my habits, but I need the power of prayer and friendships behind me.

So, there's the true story of "it."  I know "it" could have been worse, but most days "it" feels like the most awful thing that could have ever happened.  I'm never giving up on this battle, but your prayers will most definitely help me fight harder.

Wabi-Sabi

The following is a piece I wrote to enter in a writing competition.  I didn't win, but I sure had a great time writing it!

“Wabi-sabi, wabi-sabi,” I chanted to myself as I stepped into the shower.  It had been three days since I had been able to bathe, and the water wasn’t hot enough to cleanse me of the build-up of germs and grime.  I tried turning the faucet so the temperature would rise, but apparently it was as hot as it would get that morning.

It was sometime around five, an hour, pre-motherhood, I used to consider the middle of the night.  I chided myself for the jealousy I harbored for my still-sleeping husband.  Once again, I spoke aloud the words “wabi-sabi.”  Reminding myself of the Japanese art form that embraces imperfection helped me relax amidst the streaky bathroom mirror and the toothpaste gobs left in the sink.  I tried ignoring the dirty clothes on the floor, some of them, shamefully, were left there from the weekend.  Even more appalling, some of them belonged to me. 

I sighed deeply.  Optimistic by nature, it was unusual for me to feel this defeated before sunrise.  I tried remembering all the great mommy blogs I had read recently.  They were writings that focused on clever quips similar to, “Please excuse the mess. We are busy making memories.”   I negotiated with myself that no judgment would fall if my house was not perfect.  I am, after all, a mother of two young children, and a babysitter of eight regulars.  As if tending to ten children wasn’t enough, I am responsible for encouraging my husband, supporting my friends, serving my church, and reaching out to my community. Did I mention I’m also trying to lose one hundred pounds and launch a writing career?  To-do lists ran through my mind and my heart’s rhythm picked up pace.

“Wabi-sabi.” I found it necessary to speak the phrase out loud.  My panicked thoughts were taking over my mind, so with that soothing verbal reminder, images of the famous Japanese artwork, asymmetrical gardens and cracked pottery popped into my head.  What had my life become?  Was I so overwhelmed, overscheduled, and exhausted that I was now counting on cracked pots to offer me solace? 

All at once, I burst into teary laughter.  The not-hot-enough water filled up my mouth.  I swished the water around for a second, and when I spit it out, I sent my bad attitude with it.  Against all odds, I would make it through this day.  I would step over toys, scrape toothpaste off the sink with the nail of my pointer finger, maybe even do a load of laundry.  Armed with the hope of wabi-sabi, I would remember this crazy life, even with its many imperfections, truly is beautiful.  

Bye-Bye Facebook

I never anticipated saying goodbye to Facebook for Lent.  It took me by surprise, and it was a last minute decision, made quickly and with passion.  Had I thought about it, I would have probably not done it.
Originally, I had planned on juicing for Lent.  However, day one cost me approximately $18.00 in produce.  Just for me.  And, since my entire month grocery budget is $140.00 (give or take) and that feeds my entire family, I quickly realized that it was not financially feasible.
I sat down at the desk and prayed, "Please, God, show me what would draw me closer to you."  As I was praying that prayer, I typed in the letter "F" in the address bar on my browswer.  Trusty old facebook.com popped up and my heart was pricked instantly.  I knew what I had to give up for Lent...Facebook.
I feel that I really do use Facebook in a wonderful way.  I pray about who I can encourage, I do not complain too often, and I try to share the truths and humor that I come across in life.  I try to make Facebook a happy place.  I look at it as a ministry tool.
But, the fact is, many people do not share my passion for Facebook being a joyful part of life.  And, within a couple days, I noticed  that I was feeling free of the burden that Facebook complaints and drama were continuing to pile on my sensitive soul.  I was lighter.  I was less worried, and anxiety levels had dropped significantly.
My day also seemed to have a few more hours.  I remember saying, "I'll just hop on for a minute" and watching that minute turn into thirty.
I will be returning to Facebook after Resurrection Sunday...but I think that Facebook has lost some of its power over me.  I look forward to emailing with friends, posting uplifting status messages, and praying for people who seem to need it....but I also look forward to limiting my Facebook time, not re-installing it on my phone or my Kindle (who needs 24/7 access to FB?  NOT ME!) and setting a timer while I'm on, so I don't get sucked in for too long.
I'm thankful that God called me away from Facebook for this season.  I do miss it, but I love the freedom I'm experiencing more!

ONE ADDITIONAL THOUGHT:  I have logged in to Facebook to check my emails and to check in with a couple groups that I need to communicate with regularly.  So, I'm occasionally still on, just not daily, and when I'm on, its for a very specific reason. :)

FitBit

I promised you I would be back!
Here I am.
Today, I am going to tell you all about my FitBit Flex.  For those of you who are wondering what a FitBit is, it's basically a fancy pedometer.  It automatically stores your information on the computer for you, helps you compete with friends, and even tracks your sleep quality on certain models.
First off, you should know that there has been a voluntary recall on FitBit Force's.  This is not the same model I have, nor have I experienced any rashes on my arms from my Flex.
Secondly, you should know, that in my opinion, I think that FitBits are pricey.  To buy a Flex new, it would have cost approximately $100.00.  To me, that is a huge investment.  So, I began scouring Craiglist-like listings on Facebook.  Finally, I found a woman who did not like wearing it on the same hand as her watch, and wanted to sell hers.  I bought it for $50.00.  I still considered that to be a big investment, but I will say it's already paid for itself!
The very first day I had it, I walked 5,000 steps.  I did not put it on until nearly 3:00 pm but it motivated me to get stepping!
The goal is to have your weekly average steps over 10,000.  Right now, I'm hovering right near seven thousand. I have a ways to go.  But, I can't imagine what my average was before I slapped my FitBit band around my wrist.
I have already noticed a trend.  The nicer it is outside, the higher my steps!  I've taken to some creative methods of trying to increase my steps total on the dismal days.  I march while brushing my teeth, washing my hands, cooking dinner and standing in conversation.  I walk around the house while I fold laundry.  I set my timer and do five minute sprints.  All these little changes make me more active.
I like being active.  I really do.
And I'm really thankful I have this little tool to remind me of that. Because, since I've been in a funk lately, I need reminders.
To prove my point, a quick antidote:
Last night, I had a rough night.  I ended up taking some Melatonin and some anxiety medicine.  Today, I'm sort of dragging from an "emotional hangover."  I'll admit, I've pretty much laid around all day.  Until about forty minutes ago, when I looked at my wrist, and my Flex dots blinked to show me that I hadn't even completely 20% of today's goal.
I'm so competitive, especially with myself, that I was not okay.  That was enough motivation to get me out of bed, into the shower, dressed, and functioning.
You can check out all the models at fitbit.com.  I'm not endorsing the product or anything.  I'm just a fan of what it is doing in my own life, especially in a time when I need some extra motivation.
So, if you are kind of in an end-of-winter-is-spring-ever-arriving-funk, maybe you would benefit from checking out a new tool!
For me, it's been a life changer, even if it's really small changes.

A Blogger in Hiding

Here I am, crawling back, after six weeks of hiding from my blog.

I began my avoidance after a terrible discovery.  I call the discovery "it."

I continued dodging the blog-o-sphere because of anger, shame, frustrations and sometimes just pure depression.

Blogging then took a back seat to schedule overload, birthday parties, winter blues, other writing projects, and daily life.

But basically, I haven't written here, because, simply put, I did't want "it" to get out.

I'm still not ready to tell you what "it" is, so you'll have to wait for another blog post about that.

But, it's a Friday night.  I'm not really into watching Turbo with my family, and truth be told, I miss my blogging buddies.  Instead of talking about "it" I think I'll give you a run down of all the other new things in my life.  The following list is a summary of all the exciting things going on.  Okay, so maybe it's just a list of ten random things that seem important to me right now.  Either way, most of the items mentioned below will eventually get their own blog post.

1.  I bought a fitbit.  It rocks.   It really keeps me moving and motivated to be more active.
2.  I got my hair cut.  It also rocks.  This is the first time I've LOVED a haircut on the first day.   I can't stop touching it.
3.  I think I'm a Reese's Pieces addict.  I wish I was kidding.
4.  My daughter, Lydia just turned five last week.  And she's been saying the cutest things.  Which of course, I will blog extensively about.
5.  While Micah hasn't had his birthday yet, he also, has been saying hilarious things.  I will be compiling a post all about him too!
6.  I cleaned my car.  Like, seriously cleaned it. Trust me, this is blog worthy.
7.  I'm off Facebook for Lent.  This is worthy of about seventeen blogs.  Life is both awesome and weird without Facebook.  (However, I will still link this on FB since most of my readers end up here from there!)
8.  I've discovered that I LOVE juicing.
9.  My husband and I have been trying to actually go out on dates.  That's been pretty much amazing.
10.  I've rode 145 miles on my bike in 2014.  I'm actually behind schedule on that goal.  And according to my fitbit I've walked over 90 miles in a month!

So, I know this was not a poetic post, or anything deep...but I at least admitted that there's an "it."  And maybe I'll get brave enough to write about "it" soon.  And I'm excited that I have lots of topics to write about in the next week or so!  Here's to a new season...spring!  And here's to a fresh excitement about all the parts of me that need to get better.

I have peace---even though I look like THIS.

For the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study we were challenged to write about making peace with our bodies.  Along this struggle, this was one of the first challenges I had to combat.  After all, it's really hard to care lovingly for a body you hate.  Stop and think about that for a minute.  If you despise the way you look, is it not harder to care for yourself?  It is.  Trust me.

Now, I have a double edged sword to deal with here.  While I've never liked the way my body has been shaped, my body has never been shaped any differently.  I've always been overweight.  I remember a promise of a doll I really wanted if I could lose twenty pounds.  I think I was five at the time.  I never got that doll. Yeah.  Wrap your head around that one.

 Anyways, the tricky part about it is, while I've never known any different, and I don't like being fat, I've never experienced the freedom of a healthy weight.

So, before this journey began, I did not have peace.  But, I wasn't in constant turmoil either.

Well, I didn't have constant turmoil until my journey began.  Let's look at a few pictures that show my body at the beginning, middle, and now.

This is me at my heaviest.  360 pounds.  

And here is me about at 60 pounds lost.  (300 pounds)

These are bootcamp pictures.  They were roughly about 335 to 315ish in pounds.
 

I am down approximately ten more pounds since that picture around Christmas time.  But, obviously, my body is still large.  Do I look slightly better?  Yes.  I think I do.  But, the fact of the matter is that if I walk into a room, I'm still always the fattest person there.  And since I'm short, my fat is all out there.  You know what I mean?  There's no hiding it with the right outfit or standing at the right angle.  I'm fat.  Just plain fat. And there's no denying it.  

But you know what?

I'm okay with how I look. 

Please, don't try not to gasp.  You can.  Sometimes I can't believe it either.  

I'm not saying that I like the way my belly hangs over my legs.    I am not crazy about my tricep jelly.  And my feet will forever always be too wide for my liking.  But---I've truly made peace with how I look.

Here's why.  This journey is not about "not being fat" for me.  It's about being healthy and living long and serving God the best I can.

One night I told David that if I was healthier and as long as I could buy clothes from cheaper stores I would not fret about "looking fat" for the rest of my life.  I truly just want to be healthy.  And I know that my body is getting healthier. And that gives me peace.