Truth and Bravery

Over Memorial Day weekend, my family and I joined a group of wonderful people for a picnic.  While we were there, the topic of my phobia of animals came up.  I no longer hide behind my fear of rodents (specifically) and other animals.  In fact, sometimes I openly broadcast it, so as to avoid any incidents of me all but blacking out because of a chinchilla (true story!)  Anyways, as the banter continued about what animals would send me into a frenzy, one woman shared how she had to be the one who would capture the bats that would come into their home.  Her husband would tuck the covers all around himself in their bed, while she took a flyswatter to stun the bat and then release him back into the wild.

The entire time she was recounting her various escapades of bat conquering, I stared at her in amazement.  How did she do it?  How did she become so brave?  I felt like such a weak woman compared to her.  Honestly, I felt that all my fears that have paralyzed me for years made me feel incomplete.  I felt shame and I felt that my husband was shortchanged ending up with me as his wife.

Looking back at that reflection, I'm confronted by many truths.  First of all, I'm only judging myself.  I have no problem with that woman's husband being scared enough of bats that he wraps himself in a blanket.  I expect more of myself that I would ever expect of anyone else.  I'm not very kind to my sensitive spirit at times.  I've decided I'm going to work on that.

The other truth didn't hit me until just the other day.  I was explaining to an acquaintance about our summer schedule.  We are hosting back to back students---teenagers---from foreign countries.  When I share with her our summer plans, her eyes began to grow larger.  Her head shook back and forth, as if I was crazed and delusional.  And I recognized the open mouth stare---it was the stare I had given to the woman who was not afraid of bats.

The woman shaking her head at me was amazed that I would even considering doing such a thing.

The other truth I'm confronted with is that while full of trepidation in some areas, I'm fearless in others.  I know some people who struggle to even invite someone over for dinner---and here I am opening my home to people from foreign countries for weeks on end.  

I never realized that makes me brave.

But, it does.

I may not be able to see a rat without my heart racing, or touch a stray kitten...but I'm not afraid of putting my heart on the line and opening my home.  I am brave.  

And I'm not letting my fears define me anymore.  I'm learning to pet dogs, admire cats, and I even watched a chipmunk for a few minutes the other day---just because I knew it was good for me.  To top it off, I traveled to Wagon Trails park with Lydia's class the other day and I rode through herds of animals.  I did it bravely, happily---because I refuse to let my fears control me.

Here's some proof-----

The lesson behind all this is not for me to brag and tell you how I've conquered my fears.

No---the thing I want you to pull away is that God is working through me---even though I've limited myself for years.  He wants me---YOU---to enjoy life abundantly.  You do not have to live captive to your fears. 

I'm learning to let them go, step by step.  Each day, I wake up and I find myself challenging myself a little more.  I want YOU to experience that joy as well!

And I want you to remember, that no matter what you may be held back by...you probably have something in your life that other people think you are incredibly brave for too! 

This week has been a very encouraging one for me---and I hope that you will be encouraged as well!  

Good

God is so good.  I can not say that enough.  Seriously.
Despite the fact that I'm on day 12 of the never-ending cold---God is so good.
Even though my five year old is still crying when I drop her off at preschool---and it's almost the end of the year---God is so good.
God is so good---though my husband is working 12 hours a day, 6 days a week and I miss his face like crazy most of the time.
For every problem I'm facing, every struggle that is perplexing me, and every hardship around the corner, I'm consistently reminded of the goodness of my loving Father.

And I'm finding those reminders in God's Word.

Last week, I needed energy---I needed hope---in the worst way.  My friend Tammy and I sat on my back deck (while people from the gas company were in my house detecting CO and trying to locate a gas leak...what fun....) and God gave me the most amazing verse to get me through the week.

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."  (Isaiah 39:29)  HELLO!  AMAZING!!!  I give God's powerful word the credit for getting me through some tough times last week!  Hallelujah!

This week---and the weeks ahead---we face the unknown diagnosis of our five year old.  Test after test---and specialized doctors and traveling to a city nearly 80 miles away just for some answers.  But, I remember that  God's word tells me in Psalms 118:8
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man."  And just a few verses before that---"In my anguish I cried to the Lord and he answered me by setting me free."  (v. 5)

God is good.  His Word is my strength.  I will call on God...I will cry to Him...and He will be our ultimate answer.  It's devastating not knowing what is going on with Lydia and it's worrisome not knowing if or when she will have another seizure---or what is causing them---but I trust God.  I know he will carry us through.

And I know this post sounds repetitive.  But, right now that is what my life is.  The same battles every day.  And the same answers each day too...God's word.

I'm not writing this to preach to you.  I'm writing this to remind me.  Because some days I wake up, and I think I have to do it all on my own.  But, I don't.  God's there.  His Word is ready to speak to me. and I just need to listen.  That is where I am today.  And I'm guessing since I'm feeling led to write this---that I'm not the only one.  I believe the answers we need are in the Bible.  What situations are you facing?  Do you believe that God's Word is powerful enough to help you get though?  I hope so friend!  Because God loves you, he cares deeply about what ails you, and the truth is waiting in that thick, often dust covered book.

THE EXCITING NEWS!!!

My exciting news is.....

MY BOOK IS GETTING PUBLISHED!!! 

 I've been working with a new company called Fulton Books and I'm so excited to tell you that within a couple months Transformed by Sarah Rose will be available for purchase! Both physical copies and Ebooks will be available.  

I've been in disbelief ever since the whole process started.  I can not express the gratitude I feel that they chose my book and how smoothly the process has gone.  God really seems to have smoothed this path for me and I'm completely grateful!  :)  I can't wait to feel the book in my hands and read it, remembering the hours of writing blitzes and getting to know my characters---even dreaming about them.

I thank God daily for Dusty and Lauren Roberts---who thought of me and my hard work and asked me to come along side them in this journey.  I also thank God for my writing group---Kristine, Betsy, and Jackie.  Without them, I would have never heard of NanoWriMo and I would never be living out a life long dream.  And I'm just so grateful for the support everyone has given me.  From my husband and my best friends to people who barely know me, the support has been phenomenal and encouraging.  I strongly believe that the success of this book is rooted in the fact that in November, while I was feverishly writing, every day I had at least one person committed to praying for me.  That made all the difference friends.  God heard your prayers and I'm so humbled that he is giving me this opportunity!  So, thank YOU for all YOU have done.  Because, while I love to write, I know the true power was in the prayers of my praying friends!!!!  HALLELUJAH!!!!

The Boardwalk

David and I walked, hand in hand, watching our two children run up ahead of us on the path made of wooden planks.  I have clear memories of watching Lydia and Micah run two years ago, down the same favorite path---and, oh, how did they grow so tall?  Where did Lydia's chubby toddler legs go?  And when did Micah become so capable, climbing trees skillfully?  I made sure to make a mental note of the way Lydia's braid bounced with her step and the way Micah noticed things that we would normally overlook.    As we walked along, David and I discussed deep matters of the heart, things related to God and our faith, matters we normally can't dive into at home.  When you are in the woods there are no phones, chores, or menus to pull you away.  It was just the four of us, surrounded by God's creation---and a man made bridge in the middle of the woods.
Last summer was so busy---too busy---that we never made it to our spot---not even once.  This year, I was determined not to make the same mistake twice, so we went yesterday---Easter Sunday for a sweet family walk.
The sense of gratitude I felt for that walk was so intense.  There's something about the "Boardwalk" as we call it, that makes me feel closer to the Lord.  When I'm stressed, I imagine what the end of the trail looks like, and I listen to the creek at the end babble over the rocks, even if only in my mind.  It's my favorite place to be on a Sunday afternoon.  I love nature---and without a ceiling pressing down on me, I feel like I can share my heart more clearly with God.  Yesterday, when we reached the end of the trail, we sat on some big logs and the four of us "popcorn prayed" and thanked God for hundreds of blessings.  Ah, there's nothing like praying out in the open, where it feels like your prayers get to Heaven faster.  And when we prayed yesterday, we didn't even ask God for anything, because when you are sitting with your beautiful family, in the middle of the woods---who needs anything else?  We just lifted up praises---our hearts were so grateful to our RISEN KING!

This was the sign that greeted us at the beginning of the trail.  I'll admit I was pretty jumpy on the trail at first. :)

See that black blob in the middle of the photo?  We were convinced that was a bear---or a gorilla---or maybe bigfoot! :)

ENOUGH!

Last night, I sat in my friend Beth's living room.  My leadership group from MOPS had met for a planning meeting.  As we studied 2 Corinthians 12:9 together, tears began rolling down my cheeks.  As hard as I fought to keep them in, they demanded an escape.  Because, sometimes you have to cry to cleanse your soul.  And, it became quite evident to me last night, and off and on the days before that, that I needed a cleansing.

More than that---I needed to believe that God loved me enough---despite my short comings---to still want to cleanse me.

Let me start with an email I had sent to my friend Sandy the other day....I keep struggling with the LIE that God loves me more the less I weigh.  Or that somehow the lower my weight the higher my level of spirituality or something.  I know those are lies, but they creep in and sabotage my heart.  Thank you for speaking truth to me.  

Sandy had sent me a beautiful excerpt from Made to Crave about how God loves me no matter what I weigh.  Her timing had been impeccable and the words she sent me soothed my tired spirit.  When I responded back to her, I realized that truthfully, I felt like I had to earn God's love by adhering to a strict eating plan or the more I exercised, God would become more proud of me.  When I responded to her, I realized that I was toeing the line of living a life of phony self righteousness and not a life filled with beautiful grace.

Because life has been so hectic with Lydia's concussion and testing, I had not had a lot of time to sit down and ponder that.  So last night when we sat down to study the verse in 2 Corinthians that says in our weakness Christ is shown strong and how his grace and favor is all we need---it's enough, my heart was stirred.  

Should I strive to obey God and his calling to healthy eating in my life?  Absolutely!  It's God's best for me.  That's the very best thing about life on earth---living sacrificially to demonstrate our respect for God.  But, I realized that somehow in my mind the wires had gotten crossed.  I was making my obedience to God the basis of His love for me.  And that, my friends, is a LIE!  

God loves me whether I eat a stack of bacon and pancakes for breakfast, a hamburger for lunch, and an entire pizza for dinner.  God loves me when I eat an egg white omelette in the morning, a salad at noon, and grilled chicken for dinner.  He LOVES me no matter what. 

And despite how I feel, God's grace isn't going to dry up.  I often feel as I ask for forgiveness that God will say, "Well, Sarah Rose, you have used up your last chance.  No more grace for you."  I'M SO GLAD I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT HAPPENING.  God's word tells me his grace is enough---it's sufficient.  It's abundant.  And while I would never want to abuse that grace, I can rest assured that it's waiting for me when I need it.

And here's the great part.  The grace, forgiveness and acceptance that I've been writing about is waiting for YOU too.  God has so much grace that He's waiting to pour out on you.  He wants the BEST for your life too!  What kind of friend would I be if I didn't share that this grace is for YOU TOO!!!  

On a final note, I want to thank YOU---my readers---You all have been so supportive with my admission of my scale woes.  In fact, the grace that was demonstrated from my readers was earthly proof of the grace of God.  It's been amazing and freeing to be honest about what happened in January.  Since I wrote about that, my weight has dropped down to 313.  Apparently, sometimes, holding on to an emotional weight like that can literally add pounds on in real life.  But I know, that God's love for me did not grow just because the scale dropped six pounds.  No, he already loved me the most he could!

In conclusion, I pray that you will ask God to show you just how abundant his grace is---and how it's all you and I need.  His grace is enough.

Quieting my Soul

It was 6:50 this morning when I first stepped out my door to begin walking.  The songs of the birds are so beautiful in spring, and while the morning was cloudy and gray, the balmy temperature created its own kind of sunshine.  As I walked down the alley, I lifted my hands to heaven and asked God to use me.  "God, please, use the words I write, the words I say, the people I come in contact with...please use me."  As I walked, I prayed for my church, for my neighbors, and just for peace.  I saw two red breasted robins, and they reminded me to pray for my friend Robin.  She's been growing in her faith so much, stepping out and serving God in new ways.  I prayed for my Gramma as I passed by the apartment she will soon be moving in to.  I lifted my wonderful mother in law up in prayer as I saw her jeep in her work parking lot.  I thought of friends who helped me get through this tough weekend---Adriane, Leah, Bettina, and all those who had been lifting my daughter Lydia up in prayer as she recovers from a concussion.  When I arrived back home, it was time to go for another walk...to school.  The path to the school takes us through the cemetery.  

Some people may be disturbed by a daily walk that includes headstones, but my children and I always enjoy the flowers, birds, and wildlife we see there.  This morning, hand in hand the three of us walked.  We praised God out-loud for protecting Lydia and for helping her heal.  The praise soon turned into Micah and Lydia talking about how dumb concussions are, but I didn't mind.  I felt the same way.  The weekend had been full of turmoil.  Testing, waiting, pain, doctors, and vomiting, followed by more vomiting.  Once Lydia had been on the mend, I was struck with a migraine (I'm guessing caused by stress) that caused me to sleep from one in the afternoon until 6:23 this morning.  Oh, except when my migraine caused me to throw up too.  So, the walk, the peace of the outdoors in the morning was just what my heart needed.  Calm, serenity, and refreshment.  

Maybe your heart is troubled?  Perhaps you feel overwhelmed?  Maybe you just feel like you have too much to do.  I encourage you, lace up your sneakers, and head outside.  A quick ten minute walk---especially one where you talk to God---can do wonders for your soul.

Talking about "it"

If there is one thing I'm keenly aware of, it is the fact that my life depends on the weight loss journey I'm enduring.  Now, most of the time I would never write the word enduring, but rather I would say, "enjoying."   However, reality has been quite harsh and there is no denying that right now I'm enduring.

Remember the "it" I referenced a few blog posts ago?  Well, today, I'm talking about it.  I'm letting you in on my little secret.  Back in January, I noticed the scale was going down rather fast.  I chalked the success up to finally getting my anemia under control.  However, one day I stepped on the scale and instead of the 280's it said 234!  I knew I had not lost fifty pounds overnight and instantly, the truth hit me.

My scale was broken.  I consoled myself saying, "Well, at least I made it below 300."  But, then doubts crept in.  Just how long had my scale been broken?  What was my true weight.  Gathering up money that I didn't really have to spend, I went to the store and purchased a reliable brand of a scale.  When I stepped on that night, nothing could have prepared me for what it said.  315.

Yes, that is correct.  Three hundred and fifteen pounds.  I was furious!  How could this be?  I was working so very hard.  It was so unfair!  All my milestones that I believed I had accomplished were stolen away from me.  No more fifty pounds, no more sixty or seventy pounds lost...and I was back over 300 pounds in an instant.

That's a hard mental battle to fight.  Instantly weighing more that twenty pounds more than you thought you do.  And friends, to be quite honest, I have not recovered from that yet.  I feel defeated, deceived, and discouraged.  Trying to stay on this journey has started to feel pointless.   Even hopeless.

Then I remember the things that God has called me to...raising my family, loving and encouraging my husband, my friendships, MOPS, VBS, babysitting the children I watch, reaching out to my neighbors----those are the things that keep me motivated.  As I mentioned before, I know my very LIFE DEPENDS on this journey.  And I plan on making the most of every day I have here on Earth to serve the Lord and love the people around me.

Part of loving those people means caring for myself.  So, please, I'm begging you, pray for me.  I've been struggling...struggling very hard to eat well.  Since my day I weighed in at 315, I have gained another four pounds.  I'm up to 319.4.  I'm trying so hard to reset my habits, but I need the power of prayer and friendships behind me.

So, there's the true story of "it."  I know "it" could have been worse, but most days "it" feels like the most awful thing that could have ever happened.  I'm never giving up on this battle, but your prayers will most definitely help me fight harder.