ugh

I keep wavering between gratefulness, trepidation, irritation, and low morale lately.  Have you ever been to the point where you are just not sure what you need?  Or how to snap out of a funk?
I'm feeling a bit "funkified" the last few days.  I think weeks with high expectations always leave me that way.  Tuesday was my birthday, Thursday was the anniversary of David and I beginning our relationship, and today was Mother's Day.  None of those special days were spent in marital bliss with David or spent harmoniously mothering my children, or relaxing at a spa, or even sipping tea.  No.  They were chaos.  And sometimes lonely.  And I've cried a lot of tears the last few days.
I'm very grateful for those who helped me acknowledge those days.  They just were not ANYTHING like I had envisioned.  I had also planned on spending the last week planning for the beginning of my boot camp. Yeah, that didn't happen...  I'm so afraid of failing that I almost backed out and didn't even try.  I also thought about sending an email that said, "Send me a refund!"  But, deep down, I'm not that kind of girl.  I refuse to give up, especially before I even tried. I kept trying to convince myself that there are better, more ideal times in my life to attempt such a feat at four weeks of utter and complete discipline.  But the fact of the matter is, my life, right now,  is pretty chaotic.  And I know that when it comes to my health the race is against the clock.  So, it's time to whip myself into shape.
I am praying that the next four weeks will help me be more willing to give up the food that I hold so dear.  I'm wondering how I will make it through 28 days without a chai latte?  Or yogurt?  Or chocolate?  Seriously?  No chocolate?  What in the world was I thinking?


It's  a really good thing I have the promises of God holding me up!


I'm also nervous about all the cardio.  I feel like it's a miracle when I accomplish 10 miles on my bike.  That is going to be an "easy day" feat...*sigh*  


Feel free to send prayers up to Heaven for me. I'm not trying to be dramatic here, just real.  I'm nervous. I'm scared.  I've never felt less organize nor more weak in my life.


I usually try to have words of wisdom tucked into my blog.  But, tonight I'm so tired and so preoccupied that the only thing I'm going to close with is..."Yes, I'm tired and disorganized and weak...but somehow, I'm going to dig down deep and find a way to do this!" THE END.