GRACE

Grace.

A rich, lovely gift that comes straight from the heart of God.  Through his son. At no cost to me.  Freely given. That's heavenly grace.

Grace.

Giving a person the ability to just be who they are, without coming down too hard on them...accepting them, loving them.  That's the earthly version.

I've always felt called to be a "grace giver."  God has called me to live a life of compassion.  I have always had the ability to love a little bit deeper than the average person.  I forgive things that most people could never let go of.  Some people calling that "getting walked all over."  I call it love.  I do not say that to brag of myself, but only to recognize God's calling on my life.  The only way to be who we really are is to be who God has called us to be.  (That's almost as good as Lydia saying, "If I was still three, then I couldn't be four.")

Anyways, being one who has been called to extend special measures of grace, has it's challenges.  Moving past moments that have crushed me, letting go of my "human rights" and living with a heart that is more emotional, so tender, that most people can not even understand the depth of my emotions. Part of the reason we have no network or cable TV in our home is because I would watch the news and just sob.  Faces would be etched in my memory of hurting people.  People I could't help.  But, I couldn't forget them.  So, I did what I had to and stopped watching.

But, when it's your family, and it's real life, there is no TV to shut off.  My heart aches for my Dad and Mom.  My Gram.  David's Gram.  David's Aunt Terry.  Now, my cousin Chris.  I can't look away from their pain.  So many people flippantly tell me to just 'let it go.' There are needs that are greater than people can imagine present. My heart aches.  I have no idea how situations will pan out, medically, spiritually, or financially.  Their are souls and lives at stake here.  Everyone else's answer is to let it go.  Yes, I pray for them all.  Yes, I trust God with them.  But, God called us to be people of action as well. Being a person of action means that sometimes I'm solving problems that are way beyond my capability.  Sometimes, I'm in situations that make me uncomfortable.  I'm trying to do what is in my power, without stealing any of God's power.  I mess up at that sometimes.

I guess the point of this all is I need grace too.  I need a little grace to fall apart sometimes.  I need people to understand that I'm not your average person.  I'm not even sure what "letting it go" is.  My friend Leah once said about me that I have a sensitive soul.  My heart breaks for people. It always has.  I remember sitting on a Santa's lap in the Value City store crying because I didn't understand why he couldn't give poor kids presents too.  I was four.  So, imagine, if my heart breaks for poor kids who I have never met, I'm pretty sure that my parent's situation, along with my other family members' ordeals, will make my stomach turn, my eyes tear up, and yes, maybe even leave me a little disheartened.  I'm human.  I'm a kid with parents who need more help than I could ever offer right now.  And, I'm being flooded on every angle.  What I really want is a hug, and some extra love.  And, while I'm always open to spiritual growth and maturing in my faith, sometimes I do not want a lesson on how to be a "better Christian" during these times.  I'm holding as tightly to my faith as I can right now, balancing more than most people could imagine, and trusting God's grace to cover my shortcomings there as well.