Tuesday, January 19, 2016

He's Gone

It's been two months already.  Or, it's only been two month.  Or, how can two months feel like a lifetime ago?

Man, there's just no poetic way to write this.

Two months ago, today, my dad died.
And, I feel so many conflicting feelings.  Because, I  know that my loss is not the only one in the world.  On the same day, 3 people in our church family passed away.  I've had friends lose husbands.  I've had ones I care about lose children. We've had other family members die. Even in the celebrity world, the losses have been so great lately.  And every time I hear about another person dying, it makes my heart ache more.  I am totally aware that I'm not the only one hurting.  And, so sometimes, my personal grief feels so very selfish.  Yet, I can't shake it.  That man, my daddy, he's gone from this world now. And, my world just feels really empty.

Adding to my grief, is seeing my mom, alone and hurting.  We both try to be grateful.  But, on top of losing dad, there is the heavy burden of how to handle dad's loss financially.  Mom is truly having to live life by faith every day, and sometimes worry is easier to come by than faith.  It's hard to be so limited in what I can do.  I have to resign myself to let God do the work that I can't.  It's hard to watch my mom, my beautiful, wonderful, caring, sacrificial mom hurt so bad in so many ways.  And, to have to go through all of it without Dad...

I just miss him so badly. 

I try to be thankful.  We had such a great relationship.  Even during the really hard times, I realize how blessed I was to have the ability to communicate with my dad.  And, those of you who are close to me know what our relationship was like.  I miss joking with him, teasing him, hugging him, and pouring my heart out to him.  

I can't stop thinking about how well he loved my kids.  And, how deep their hurt is.  

But, my biggest fear is that the world will forget about him.  It feels like they have, sometimes.  I know that's just a part of grief, but the way the world keeps moving, when my heart would do anything to go back to November 12th.  Back to a day where my dad could talk, he could hug me, and where there was hope.  November 13th, he had a stroke in the hospital, where he had been admitted was for other issues that were never found out...and from that day he "lived" until November 19th.  

I kept trying to tell the nurses who were caring for him how funny he was.  How much of a joker and a "pain in the butt" he could be.  I tried to make him smile at me, just one more time.  And, it never happened.  He just laid there, silently, passing from this world into the next.

I can't describe the void in my heart.

I just needed to write this down.  To honor him.  To remember him.  And, to ask you all, to please, don't forget him.