Thursday, February 6, 2014

I have peace---even though I look like THIS.

For the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study we were challenged to write about making peace with our bodies.  Along this struggle, this was one of the first challenges I had to combat.  After all, it's really hard to care lovingly for a body you hate.  Stop and think about that for a minute.  If you despise the way you look, is it not harder to care for yourself?  It is.  Trust me.

Now, I have a double edged sword to deal with here.  While I've never liked the way my body has been shaped, my body has never been shaped any differently.  I've always been overweight.  I remember a promise of a doll I really wanted if I could lose twenty pounds.  I think I was five at the time.  I never got that doll. Yeah.  Wrap your head around that one.

 Anyways, the tricky part about it is, while I've never known any different, and I don't like being fat, I've never experienced the freedom of a healthy weight.

So, before this journey began, I did not have peace.  But, I wasn't in constant turmoil either.

Well, I didn't have constant turmoil until my journey began.  Let's look at a few pictures that show my body at the beginning, middle, and now.
This is me at my heaviest.  360 pounds.  

And here is me about at 60 pounds lost.  (300 pounds)

These are bootcamp pictures.  They were roughly about 335 to 315ish in pounds.

I am down approximately ten more pounds since that picture around Christmas time.  But, obviously, my body is still large.  Do I look slightly better?  Yes.  I think I do.  But, the fact of the matter is that if I walk into a room, I'm still always the fattest person there.  And since I'm short, my fat is all out there.  You know what I mean?  There's no hiding it with the right outfit or standing at the right angle.  I'm fat.  Just plain fat. And there's no denying it.  

But you know what?
I'm okay with how I look. 
Please, don't try not to gasp.  You can.  Sometimes I can't believe it either.  
I'm not saying that I like the way my belly hangs over my legs.    I am not crazy about my tricep jelly.  And my feet will forever always be too wide for my liking.  But---I've truly made peace with how I look.

Here's why.  This journey is not about "not being fat" for me.  It's about being healthy and living long and serving God the best I can.

One night I told David that if I was healthier and as long as I could buy clothes from cheaper stores I would not fret about "looking fat" for the rest of my life.  I truly just want to be healthy.  And I know that my body is getting healthier. And that gives me peace.