Now, I have a double edged sword to deal with here. While I've never liked the way my body has been shaped, my body has never been shaped any differently. I've always been overweight. I remember a promise of a doll I really wanted if I could lose twenty pounds. I think I was five at the time. I never got that doll. Yeah. Wrap your head around that one.
Anyways, the tricky part about it is, while I've never known any different, and I don't like being fat, I've never experienced the freedom of a healthy weight.
So, before this journey began, I did not have peace. But, I wasn't in constant turmoil either.
Well, I didn't have constant turmoil until my journey began. Let's look at a few pictures that show my body at the beginning, middle, and now.
|This is me at my heaviest. 360 pounds.|
|And here is me about at 60 pounds lost. (300 pounds)|
|These are bootcamp pictures. They were roughly about 335 to 315ish in pounds.|
I am down approximately ten more pounds since that picture around Christmas time. But, obviously, my body is still large. Do I look slightly better? Yes. I think I do. But, the fact of the matter is that if I walk into a room, I'm still always the fattest person there. And since I'm short, my fat is all out there. You know what I mean? There's no hiding it with the right outfit or standing at the right angle. I'm fat. Just plain fat. And there's no denying it.
But you know what?
I'm okay with how I look.
Please, don't try not to gasp. You can. Sometimes I can't believe it either.
I'm not saying that I like the way my belly hangs over my legs. I am not crazy about my tricep jelly. And my feet will forever always be too wide for my liking. But---I've truly made peace with how I look.
Here's why. This journey is not about "not being fat" for me. It's about being healthy and living long and serving God the best I can.
One night I told David that if I was healthier and as long as I could buy clothes from cheaper stores I would not fret about "looking fat" for the rest of my life. I truly just want to be healthy. And I know that my body is getting healthier. And that gives me peace.