Writing is hard when you are filled with deep dark emotions.
Actually, writing is perhaps easiest at that point. It's the sharing of those writings that is incredible difficult. And, though I have been compiling a big list of things I want to say, I'm not ready to say them publicly. Yet. I'll get there. Because authenticity is one of the character traits I desire most in my own life, and in the lives of others.
But, tonight, on a lighter note, I just wanted to share a little moment of happy I had.
Tonight, I was sitting in my newly rearranged house, in the little room that we now have entitled the study. This is the room that welcomes the guests into our house, and it is frequently used, and there are signs of that all around. One particular give away is the broken blind that is hanging on the front door. The top part of the blind is intact, but several little fingers and hands have tugged at the bottom and there is about a 15" gap which you can see through the window.
I was making myself busy preparing dinner, hopping back and forth between the computer in the study and the stove in the kitchen. Back and forth I would go, trying to multitask. One time, as I sat down to check something of dire importance on the computer (let's face it, it was a FB message about tonight's girl's night out plans!) I saw a cute little freckled face peering through the gap. It's the perfect height for her look in and observe what I was doing. She raised her eyebrows at me and grinned.
And, it was then, that I smiled at her. As soon as the smile has formed on my lips, I felt the heaviness of the day begin to flee. I I had a message in my mind for that little girl that I wanted to convey with my smile. "I love you little girl. I want to hug you. I'm so glad you are mine. You are a blessing to me, and I'm so happy to be your mommy." I know that seems like a lot for a smile, but today was a dark day. A hard day. And, that smile was not only to give Lydia hope, but to stir some hope up in me too.
I'm thankful that during days when I cry so hard, I am unable to function, that God gives me rest.
I'm smiling because when I feel lonely and unloveable, God provides friends.
I'm hopeful that even though I have lost my dad, I still get to be a mom.
So, I will keep on smiling. Especially at my kids.