Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Sorting out my plans...

I'll admit it.  Today, I'm struggling. 
I know that boot camp has produced amazing results.  I know that I'm seeing myself do amazing things.  I'm thankful for the relationships that starting, deepening, or blossoming because of boot camp.   I am happy to know that I'm shrinking..even if I can not see it yet.  Even at the 40 pound mark, I still "feel" as fat as ever.
When I committed to boot camp, I told myself I would give it my all for four weeks.  And, 16 days in, I have.  It took me a while to get what exactly was expected out of me, but, I've hung tight and I'm staying strong.  But, I must admit, knowing the end of boot camp was only 12 more days away has had a certain allure to it.  I like knowing that 12 more sleeps, and boot camp will be a part of my history.  Something that I have done.  Something I'm proud of.  But, something I can say I don't have to worry about anymore. 
However, after my weigh in happened on Sunday, I began to think about what was next.  What is my meal plan for when boot camp is done?  It was Sunday that I learned that bootcamp can continue for another 4 weeks.  I began to wonder if maybe I should consider that.
Then, as if to confirm my thoughts, I received an email from sweet Marcey, challenging me (with rewards!) to think about the same thing.  Let me pause here and tell you a little bit about Marcey.  She is the one who told me about NGPT's Melt Away program in the first place.  She also believed in me enough to sponsor about 1/3 of my price for this boot camp.  She's supported me emotionally, intellectually, and financially.  She's a big deal to me.  She's pretty much amazing.  
So, I am going back and forth in my mind.  Where's the line for me?  If I don't do this, am I going to let myself down?  Will I regain everything?  Will Marcey, Hannah (my coach), David, and all my friends be disappointed in me?  Will I have healthy enough habits on my own to keep on fighting.?
Then, on the same side, I wonder if I choose to do it again...how many more social events will I sit there and watch others chow on ice cream, cookies and pizza, while I nibble on my sweet bell peppers and almonds.  (On the converse, how many times have I wished I could do something, but couldn't because of my size...)
I'm actually on the verge of tears.  I know that common sense says that if you have the opportunity basically right there in front of you, that you should take it.  I just do not know if I'm strong enough for another 40 days of this.  I do know that somehow if I can stick it out the rewards will be great though.  
I also know that each one of you is going to have an opinion on this.  And that's why sometimes it's hard to write and be real and vulnerable.  But, I'm risking it, because I have to sort this out.  And this blog to me is like my "memoirs" of this journey.  This is an important decision.  
Adriane told me today, and I know she's right, that this is a LIFE CHANGING decision.  
I need prayer.  For strength.  Decisiveness.  Encouragement.  Steadfastness.  Joy.  Hope.  Discipline. And for answers.
Thanks for reading my jumbled mess, where I feel hopeless.   I know tomorrow I will probably feel brand new...but today is today...and I'm feeling how I'm feeling...and I'm learning, if I don't own up to those emotions, than I'm more tempted than ever to eat because of them.  

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