If there is one thing I'm keenly aware of, it is the fact that my life depends on the weight loss journey I'm enduring. Now, most of the time I would never write the word enduring, but rather I would say, "enjoying." However, reality has been quite harsh and there is no denying that right now I'm enduring.
Remember the "it" I referenced a few blog posts ago? Well, today, I'm talking about it. I'm letting you in on my little secret. Back in January, I noticed the scale was going down rather fast. I chalked the success up to finally getting my anemia under control. However, one day I stepped on the scale and instead of the 280's it said 234! I knew I had not lost fifty pounds overnight and instantly, the truth hit me.
My scale was broken. I consoled myself saying, "Well, at least I made it below 300." But, then doubts crept in. Just how long had my scale been broken? What was my true weight. Gathering up money that I didn't really have to spend, I went to the store and purchased a reliable brand of a scale. When I stepped on that night, nothing could have prepared me for what it said. 315.
Yes, that is correct. Three hundred and fifteen pounds. I was furious! How could this be? I was working so very hard. It was so unfair! All my milestones that I believed I had accomplished were stolen away from me. No more fifty pounds, no more sixty or seventy pounds lost...and I was back over 300 pounds in an instant.
That's a hard mental battle to fight. Instantly weighing more that twenty pounds more than you thought you do. And friends, to be quite honest, I have not recovered from that yet. I feel defeated, deceived, and discouraged. Trying to stay on this journey has started to feel pointless. Even hopeless.
Then I remember the things that God has called me to...raising my family, loving and encouraging my husband, my friendships, MOPS, VBS, babysitting the children I watch, reaching out to my neighbors----those are the things that keep me motivated. As I mentioned before, I know my very LIFE DEPENDS on this journey. And I plan on making the most of every day I have here on Earth to serve the Lord and love the people around me.
Part of loving those people means caring for myself. So, please, I'm begging you, pray for me. I've been struggling...struggling very hard to eat well. Since my day I weighed in at 315, I have gained another four pounds. I'm up to 319.4. I'm trying so hard to reset my habits, but I need the power of prayer and friendships behind me.
So, there's the true story of "it." I know "it" could have been worse, but most days "it" feels like the most awful thing that could have ever happened. I'm never giving up on this battle, but your prayers will most definitely help me fight harder.