In the Bible, there is a part in the gospels that tells about a particular day where Jesus was begged to cast out demons. Jesus, being who He is, sent those demons into pigs, and sent those pigs over a cliff! In Imagine you Renewed, we are talking about that day, and the people's response. They whole heatedly desired those demons to be destroyed, but of course they didn't exactly agree with Jesus's method of destroying them. Nope...they wanted to keep those darn pigs!
Our challenge this week is to really dig deep into our soul about what demons we are trying to rid ourselves of, yet what pigs we are still clinging oh so tightly to.
What areas have I not yet handed over to God?
The answers have been heart-wrenching. I truly am filthy, muddy and disgusting from the swine I refuse to let go of. I am ashamed of myself and the pigs I so dearly cling to right now.
What have I not yet handed over to God? My love of food. This weekend in church, Pastor Rod preached a message that went straight to my heart. I desperately needed prayer. I was exhausted from working 3rd shift the night before, I was overwhelmed with the thoughts of 2 birthday parties to come that day, I was overworked, and just needed to pray with a sister in Christ. I sought out Mary Beth, just sobbing. All I remember thinking was how can I pray the truth...and it just started pouring out of my heart.
"Lord, I'm sorry. I love food so much more than I love You." Isn't that sickening? To love food more than God? YES! It's disgusting. But, I need to remember, I'm not the only one in the world who struggles with loving food more than God. You may not love food more than God, but maybe you love money more than God. Or sleep. Or the newest gadget. People have lots of love besides, and above and beyond God. But, doesn't God warn us of that? THE 10 COMMANDMENTS? We are not to have idols. God wants to be first.
So, even though I've written it and thought it, it was only after I heard myself say in that prayer and to Mary Beth afterwards, was I able to process the fact that I do in fact love food more than God. OUCH. Processing that sinful realization is a task that has shook me to my core.
Despite all my spiritual strides I've made over the last few years, this one realization brought me back to that wretched, unholiest of the unholy feelings.
But, those who are around me often know that I will tell myself, "Yes, I feel that way. It doesn't make it the truth." The truth is, even though this awful sin is in my heart, I'm still redeemed by a Lord who died on a cross for me. Even though I feel like I am never going to conquer this, I know that God's word says that I can be an overcomer, even if it is day to day. And even if I feel like I will love food more than God forever, I know that can change.
Which brings me to my next step. In my marriage, there are days where I wake up completely smitten with David. Every word that comes out of his mouth is sparkling with romance...every look is warm and loving...everything he does is perceived in just the right way. It's pure bliss. But...really, that happens like once a year.
In reality, I wake up, thankful for my husband. Glad he's there, yes.... completely smitten? Nah, not really. Do I want to be? Yes! Absolutely. So, then I look specifically for ways that we can show our love to one another. It doesn't necessarily happen super easily after 8 years of marriage...it's work. And as we sacrifice and act on love that we probably don't feel first thing in the morning, I tell you that most nights I go to bed feeling pretty enamored with my husband. Just because I behaved accordingly. My emotions many times follow suit and reflect my actions.
So, this is my plan to deal with how I can get rid of this demon and the pig of loving food. I am going to behave as if I love God more than I love food. I will seek God before I eat breakfast in the morning. I will think before I eat if the food I'm eating is helping me be around longer to serve him or is it leading me little by little to premature death. I will choose obedience whenever possible...because I do love God. I am glad He's there. I just want to be completely, 100% smitten with Him...and nothing (i.e. food) in the way!
This is not going to be easy. I will be giving up a lot of myself. A lot of those "rights" we cling to. Along with love of food, I'm sending my demons of doubt and denial away. I deny that "one cupcake can make a difference." I doubt that God will fulfill me. I realizing those thoughts are done in the wrong method of thinking. I'm letting the pigs go over the cliff. I'm abandoning myself into the arms of Christ. And I'm doing it one decision, one moment, one bite, one prayer, and one little act of obedience at a time until I can finally say that I indeed love God more than I love food...much, much more.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
My Wilderness Mentality
I’m roaming around a vast desert. It’s scary here. Death seems to be waiting behind every
rock. I’m tired here. There is no rest. Everything is harder than it needs to
be. My breathing is more labored. My joints hurt. My belly makes churning sounds all the
time. I struggle to be free from colds
and sickness. My headaches are
prevalent.
Even though the promised land is just a short journey away,
I cannot even imagine being there, because, simply put, I’ve never been
there. I know it’s been promised me, and
I know God has equipped me to get there, but I obstinately close my eyes and
plug my ears at God’s commands. Why?
Because
I’m tired today. Because that bowl of
ice cream is tasty. Because self-deprivation
is not natural for me. Because my
favorite foods are pizza, chocolate, and fried cheese…and even though they make
me feel sick and sluggish, they provide a temporary euphoria that I think is
worth losing a bounty of milk and honey and colorful vegetation.
I don’t
feel safe here. But, I don’t feel safe
moving forward either. I think it’s because
here, I am guaranteed at least a few feel good moments here and there. But, in the promised land, I struggle
trusting God to see me through. I’m
afraid that I’ll never know pleasure again.
Isn’t that silly?
He’s
never given me any reason to doubt. I
just do. Because, once again, even
though I’m scared, it’s what I know. I
logically know that the first 3 bites of fried cheese could never compare to
the riches of obedience to God, but I consistently trade them off. Lord, I’m sorry. I repent of that. Help me to be an overcomer. Help me think true thoughts. Help me realize
how beautiful your goodness is, and how wonderful your commands are. Help me love your law and appreciate the safe
guidelines and the instructions you have provided for me to journey into the
promised land.
Help me
love YOU more than I love food. Help me
loose the selfish, worldly issue of constantly seeking pleasure. Help me see that submitting to your law and
saying no to my desires at times will help me feel energized. I will see my joints hurt less. My body digesting better. My overall health improving. Because, the promised land is so much more
than milk and honey. It’s about being
where you want me to be. Please, Lord,
help my heart change.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
IYR Overview
I'm sitting down to write at this moment not because I have something I've been dying to write about, but rather, because I've made a commitment to myself (and to you!) to write more! I'm working on become more faithful to the things I've committed myself to.
One of the other things that I've committed myself to is a new program at Mercy House in Meadville, Pa called "Imagine You Renewed." I mentioned a few posts back about being challenged to feel things and just sit with pain for a while. That challenge stemmed from our weekly podcast last week.
I have a lot of goals I hope to accomplish with "Imagine You Renewed." Some of them are practical and simple, like taking some time to focus on me and my health again. Using this period of time where I do not have a job, and I only have one child in the house most days to really care for myself. Some of them are more spiritual. I have come a long way in my regular spiritual disciplines, but, I LONG for more. I desire to feel God directing me more often. I want to feel more confident about what the Bible says. I want to not worry about life as much as I do, and I really want to feel more comfortable about what happens after death. And, I really, REALLY want to grow my prayer life more. I'm struggling in this area. And I know prayer is an area I'm gifted in naturally, which means that this ends up being one of the areas I struggle with consistency the most! And, of course, another main goal is physical. I want to be more in shape and lose more weight.
The program include a group therapy-like session and 2 exercise classes a week.
I'm part of a team of four other ladies. I do not know any of them outside of IYR, so it's challenging. However, I'm committed to helping them be accountable. I want to find ways to connect with them outside of group, which makes me a little uncomfortable, but I'm willing to do it! I actually want to be a really good example for them, because I've got tons of experience with true accountability and encouragement!
I'm sure I'll be referencing Imagine You Renewed off and on over the next couple of months, so I thought I would just share a little bit about it with you.
I really like interactive blogs, and as I mentioned before, I really want to practice my spiritual discipline of prayer, so I would like to know from my readers if there is anything I can pray for you about. You can share it on my comments section, or you can email me at sarah83humes@gmail.com. I like that you take the time to read what's going on with me, and I would like to do the same for you. :O)
One of the other things that I've committed myself to is a new program at Mercy House in Meadville, Pa called "Imagine You Renewed." I mentioned a few posts back about being challenged to feel things and just sit with pain for a while. That challenge stemmed from our weekly podcast last week.
I have a lot of goals I hope to accomplish with "Imagine You Renewed." Some of them are practical and simple, like taking some time to focus on me and my health again. Using this period of time where I do not have a job, and I only have one child in the house most days to really care for myself. Some of them are more spiritual. I have come a long way in my regular spiritual disciplines, but, I LONG for more. I desire to feel God directing me more often. I want to feel more confident about what the Bible says. I want to not worry about life as much as I do, and I really want to feel more comfortable about what happens after death. And, I really, REALLY want to grow my prayer life more. I'm struggling in this area. And I know prayer is an area I'm gifted in naturally, which means that this ends up being one of the areas I struggle with consistency the most! And, of course, another main goal is physical. I want to be more in shape and lose more weight.
The program include a group therapy-like session and 2 exercise classes a week.
I'm part of a team of four other ladies. I do not know any of them outside of IYR, so it's challenging. However, I'm committed to helping them be accountable. I want to find ways to connect with them outside of group, which makes me a little uncomfortable, but I'm willing to do it! I actually want to be a really good example for them, because I've got tons of experience with true accountability and encouragement!
I'm sure I'll be referencing Imagine You Renewed off and on over the next couple of months, so I thought I would just share a little bit about it with you.
I really like interactive blogs, and as I mentioned before, I really want to practice my spiritual discipline of prayer, so I would like to know from my readers if there is anything I can pray for you about. You can share it on my comments section, or you can email me at sarah83humes@gmail.com. I like that you take the time to read what's going on with me, and I would like to do the same for you. :O)
Monday, February 25, 2013
The Day After...
Last night, I bravely, and very uncomfortably felt things I didn't want to. It was awful. The pain was suffocating.
BUT---Today, I truly feel renewed.
The hurt is still there, but I saw that the pain didn't kill me.
I woke up.
I exercised, showered, ate a healthy breakfast, studied God's Word with friends, ate a healthy lunch, walked 1/2 mile (a good start for me) and I feel incredibly accomplished and hopeful.
That challenge was just what I needed. I'm glad I did what I was supposed to and that I chose to be obedient to God's call on my life last night.
It's a small success...but it is success. :)
BUT---Today, I truly feel renewed.
The hurt is still there, but I saw that the pain didn't kill me.
I woke up.
I exercised, showered, ate a healthy breakfast, studied God's Word with friends, ate a healthy lunch, walked 1/2 mile (a good start for me) and I feel incredibly accomplished and hopeful.
That challenge was just what I needed. I'm glad I did what I was supposed to and that I chose to be obedient to God's call on my life last night.
It's a small success...but it is success. :)
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Feeling what I need to
I keep promising myself I'll write more.
But, life has been so tough lately, that I really haven't even wanted to write.
However, one of the challenges that I've been given is to really let myself feel pain instead of hiding from it. (I'll talk more about this challenge and where it stems later on.)
The premise of the challenge was to get quiet and alone and then just feel how your body reacts to thinking about a situation that has caused you pain. Do you feel tightness in your chest? Do you feel your heart rate quicken? Do you feel sick to your stomach?
I do.
But, I feel something that's harder to describe than those things. It's a thick, swirling, almost suffocating canopy of grief. Sometimes it seems to cover just my heart. Other times, it seems to veil every part of me. Almost like it's swallowing me up.
My only two escapes from this feeling have been food and sleep, neither which are effective for the long term. Praying about it seems to sap every ounce of living energy I have left in me. I feel so tired of talking about it, even to the Lord. I feel like I've failed Him, along with so many other people.
I have had countless people tell me I shouldn't feel like I've failed. We tried something very hard. It didn't work out. I know it's not for everyone. I know all those things to be intellectually true.
But, I think some of that thick veil of grief is because I thought I was led to this. I thought I was strong enough. There's a command right in God's word to care for orphans. I wanted to live in a beautiful, sacrificial way. I wanted to bring glory to God in a way that I knew I could do only by living through Him. I knew I would need His power and His grace to get my through.
Except, when push came to shove, even with relying on God, even when giving my life to him literally every second of the day, I still couldn't cut it.
I think of the women I've met who have been called according to this life that I was seeking that CAN cut it. My friend Ann, who has been so courageous, giving up so much, and beautifully adopting 5 kids from the foster system. I think of my friend Brandy who adopted her 4th child through foster care. I think of several of the beautiful faces I've seen at our foster care trainings, all who have what it takes.
And then there's me. I didn't make the cut.
I know everyone says I shouldn't feel like a failure, but I do.
And the pain of that failure is raw.
And I'm letting myself feel it.
I hate that I'm not strong enough.
I hate that I will never be able to adopt children out of a system that tries to be hopeful, but ends up being destructive.
My arms ache for the baby I held just last week. My soul is ashamed that I couldn't help a two year old move forward from a broken past.
I feel broken. Weak. Powerless.
I even feel "un-Christian."
I do not even feel like myself.
I know I can't hide in slumber or try to protect myself from people's questions or concern.
I know I have to face this fear and hurt. Now. I can't let it ruin who I am and what God may have next for me.
I know I have to find solace in the fact that Psalm 51 says that a broken spirit is just what God needs to use us.
I need to move to a place of gratitude for my little family of four, that may never be any bigger. I need to move past the hurt of what Lydia endured over the last few weeks, at the hands of a child smaller than her. I need to move past the words that are meant to help, but feel like a chiding instead.
As I glance at my husband, sitting in the other room, I can't help but wonder if he feels disappointed in me. He promises he doesn't, but it took him SEVEN years to feel okay with this step in our life. Seven years. And, now, it's over. In just a matter of days.
I just feel defeat everywhere I turn. To everyone I turn to. I'm not even sure if the Lord wants to hear from me...I mean, I know He does, but in my heart, it just doesn't feel like it.
So, there. I'm writing about my pain. I'm feeling it. I'm not hiding anymore.
No one needs to understand it. No one needs to try to make me feel better. I just needed to feel it. And this is the one place I knew I could accept the challenge to feel what I needed to.
But, life has been so tough lately, that I really haven't even wanted to write.
However, one of the challenges that I've been given is to really let myself feel pain instead of hiding from it. (I'll talk more about this challenge and where it stems later on.)
The premise of the challenge was to get quiet and alone and then just feel how your body reacts to thinking about a situation that has caused you pain. Do you feel tightness in your chest? Do you feel your heart rate quicken? Do you feel sick to your stomach?
I do.
But, I feel something that's harder to describe than those things. It's a thick, swirling, almost suffocating canopy of grief. Sometimes it seems to cover just my heart. Other times, it seems to veil every part of me. Almost like it's swallowing me up.
My only two escapes from this feeling have been food and sleep, neither which are effective for the long term. Praying about it seems to sap every ounce of living energy I have left in me. I feel so tired of talking about it, even to the Lord. I feel like I've failed Him, along with so many other people.
I have had countless people tell me I shouldn't feel like I've failed. We tried something very hard. It didn't work out. I know it's not for everyone. I know all those things to be intellectually true.
But, I think some of that thick veil of grief is because I thought I was led to this. I thought I was strong enough. There's a command right in God's word to care for orphans. I wanted to live in a beautiful, sacrificial way. I wanted to bring glory to God in a way that I knew I could do only by living through Him. I knew I would need His power and His grace to get my through.
Except, when push came to shove, even with relying on God, even when giving my life to him literally every second of the day, I still couldn't cut it.
I think of the women I've met who have been called according to this life that I was seeking that CAN cut it. My friend Ann, who has been so courageous, giving up so much, and beautifully adopting 5 kids from the foster system. I think of my friend Brandy who adopted her 4th child through foster care. I think of several of the beautiful faces I've seen at our foster care trainings, all who have what it takes.
And then there's me. I didn't make the cut.
I know everyone says I shouldn't feel like a failure, but I do.
And the pain of that failure is raw.
And I'm letting myself feel it.
I hate that I'm not strong enough.
I hate that I will never be able to adopt children out of a system that tries to be hopeful, but ends up being destructive.
My arms ache for the baby I held just last week. My soul is ashamed that I couldn't help a two year old move forward from a broken past.
I feel broken. Weak. Powerless.
I even feel "un-Christian."
I do not even feel like myself.
I know I can't hide in slumber or try to protect myself from people's questions or concern.
I know I have to face this fear and hurt. Now. I can't let it ruin who I am and what God may have next for me.
I know I have to find solace in the fact that Psalm 51 says that a broken spirit is just what God needs to use us.
I need to move to a place of gratitude for my little family of four, that may never be any bigger. I need to move past the hurt of what Lydia endured over the last few weeks, at the hands of a child smaller than her. I need to move past the words that are meant to help, but feel like a chiding instead.
As I glance at my husband, sitting in the other room, I can't help but wonder if he feels disappointed in me. He promises he doesn't, but it took him SEVEN years to feel okay with this step in our life. Seven years. And, now, it's over. In just a matter of days.
I just feel defeat everywhere I turn. To everyone I turn to. I'm not even sure if the Lord wants to hear from me...I mean, I know He does, but in my heart, it just doesn't feel like it.
So, there. I'm writing about my pain. I'm feeling it. I'm not hiding anymore.
No one needs to understand it. No one needs to try to make me feel better. I just needed to feel it. And this is the one place I knew I could accept the challenge to feel what I needed to.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
One Baby Step
I'm all about the little things..
Todays little thing..?
I'm going to get myself back on the scale. Then I'm going to update my weight on MFP. THEN...I will indeed track every bite of food that enters into my mouth. :)
It's actually 3 baby steps, and one baby blog. But, I'm happy about my decisions! :)
Todays little thing..?
I'm going to get myself back on the scale. Then I'm going to update my weight on MFP. THEN...I will indeed track every bite of food that enters into my mouth. :)
It's actually 3 baby steps, and one baby blog. But, I'm happy about my decisions! :)
Monday, November 12, 2012
Rekindling....
I miss writing.
I miss sharing my soul with you.
I'm not really sure why I stopped.
Maybe I stopped because I wasn't making progress with my weight loss as rapidly any longer.
Partly I think I stopped because we went though a season of intense busyness.
But, mostly I think I stopped because being vulnerable, so intensely vulnerable is uncomfortable. Seriously uncomfortable.
I love being real. I like not having to hide the real me. But, so many of the changes in my life are so deep that I wasn't sure I could let everyone in on them.
All I know is that tonight, I saw a link to my blog on my twitter page....and I couldn't help but click it. And then I got the twinge and the next thing you know, there are words on the page, helping me get started saying things that I've been meaning to say for 4 long months now.
We've been changing at the Humes' household. This summer took us on the most amazing and wonderful adventure of hosting a foreign exchange student. Her name is Elena. August 2012 was such an amazing month for us...Elena will forever be a part of our family, part of our joy, and part of our world. I can't wait to see her again.
Because our experience with Elena went so well, we decided that we love opening up our home so much that we would begin pursuing it in other ways. For us, that meant picking up the phone and dialing a local foster care agency. We are now pretty much ready to go with that and for now we wait anxiously for our first placement. We eventually hope to adopt from the foster care system. Because of the strict confidentiality of the foster care system and our protection and the protection of the children in our home, that is one subject I will never be able to write about. Those are just things I'll have to ponder in my own heart.
This has been a year of slow but steady spiritual growth for me. I have been studying 1 and 2 Samuel with my Wednesday morning Bible study. I can't believe the things I can learn from the Old Testament to apply to my modern day life.
As I mentioned before, my weight loss has kind of stalled out, which to be quite honest, really bums me out. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I know that with my sweet husband, my amazing kids, and whatever blessings God brings to us through foster care or adoption, I have a lot on my plate. And I know the old oxygen mask adage that in order to care for others you have to care for yourself first. But, I'm kind of at a loss of the next step. Although, it was kind of funny...today I emailed my friend Mary Beth asking her to pray about a speaking engagement tomorrow...that I could share the heart of Christ through it. Instead of her getting that email, she received an email about a fast I did back in June. I wonder if that is a sign?
See, already, just writing about it, makes me want to feel motivated. Why? Oh why? I should have never waited this long just to share a little about life and wanting to be better...not just to simply be better, but to make myself healthier so I can enjoy life more. I will think about this and process this, and commit myself to writing about a few goals later on this week. Those baby steps can really bring it back for me!
So, how about you friends? How are your goals coming? How's your walk with the Lord? How can I pray for you?
Looking forward to rekindling our writer/reader relationship!
I miss sharing my soul with you.
I'm not really sure why I stopped.
Maybe I stopped because I wasn't making progress with my weight loss as rapidly any longer.
Partly I think I stopped because we went though a season of intense busyness.
But, mostly I think I stopped because being vulnerable, so intensely vulnerable is uncomfortable. Seriously uncomfortable.
I love being real. I like not having to hide the real me. But, so many of the changes in my life are so deep that I wasn't sure I could let everyone in on them.
All I know is that tonight, I saw a link to my blog on my twitter page....and I couldn't help but click it. And then I got the twinge and the next thing you know, there are words on the page, helping me get started saying things that I've been meaning to say for 4 long months now.
We've been changing at the Humes' household. This summer took us on the most amazing and wonderful adventure of hosting a foreign exchange student. Her name is Elena. August 2012 was such an amazing month for us...Elena will forever be a part of our family, part of our joy, and part of our world. I can't wait to see her again.
Because our experience with Elena went so well, we decided that we love opening up our home so much that we would begin pursuing it in other ways. For us, that meant picking up the phone and dialing a local foster care agency. We are now pretty much ready to go with that and for now we wait anxiously for our first placement. We eventually hope to adopt from the foster care system. Because of the strict confidentiality of the foster care system and our protection and the protection of the children in our home, that is one subject I will never be able to write about. Those are just things I'll have to ponder in my own heart.
This has been a year of slow but steady spiritual growth for me. I have been studying 1 and 2 Samuel with my Wednesday morning Bible study. I can't believe the things I can learn from the Old Testament to apply to my modern day life.
As I mentioned before, my weight loss has kind of stalled out, which to be quite honest, really bums me out. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I know that with my sweet husband, my amazing kids, and whatever blessings God brings to us through foster care or adoption, I have a lot on my plate. And I know the old oxygen mask adage that in order to care for others you have to care for yourself first. But, I'm kind of at a loss of the next step. Although, it was kind of funny...today I emailed my friend Mary Beth asking her to pray about a speaking engagement tomorrow...that I could share the heart of Christ through it. Instead of her getting that email, she received an email about a fast I did back in June. I wonder if that is a sign?
See, already, just writing about it, makes me want to feel motivated. Why? Oh why? I should have never waited this long just to share a little about life and wanting to be better...not just to simply be better, but to make myself healthier so I can enjoy life more. I will think about this and process this, and commit myself to writing about a few goals later on this week. Those baby steps can really bring it back for me!
So, how about you friends? How are your goals coming? How's your walk with the Lord? How can I pray for you?
Looking forward to rekindling our writer/reader relationship!
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