Wipe Out

Sometimes, as parents, or even as children, we do something not really because we enjoy it, but simply because other people in our family enjoy it.  And, by that simple choice of living sacrificially, we enjoy life richer, deeper, and happier.

Deep words for a simple decision that I made tonight---and will most likely make many Thursdays over the summer.  Micah LOVES the show Wipe Out.  I mean, the kid goes crazy.  He laughs, he dodges as he's watching the screen, he roots with the passion that I didn't know was in him!  Since we do not have any broadcast television in our home, Micah usually watches Wipe Out at Gramma and Papa's. He wanted us to go down.  They wanted us to come over as well.  

But, here's a little secret about me...I really do not like watching TV shows where people fall over and over.  It's like watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation all over again.  Except, if I was watching National Lampoon's Christmas vacation, I would shut the TV off about 37 minutes into it!  But, everyone else just loves watching this show.  So, I did what any good Mommy and Daughter would do.  I plopped down with everyone else, and decided to enjoy the time with them.

Because, really, in my mind, it wasn't about watching who would win the fifty grand or if "Team Brains" or "Team Braun" would be victorious (by the way...Go Brains!).  It was enjoying the fact that my dad is home.  It was relishing in the blessing that my children can go to my parents home, with both grandparents there.  Yes, things are different.  But, we were all together.  For that hour TV show, we were all happy.  I didn't even end up picking my "Little House on the Prarie" book off the table, because I actually was so taken with watching the look on my dad's face as he laughs.  Or just watching him watch Micah and Lydia react to the show.  Watching my mom cuddle with Lydia.  Giving David a hug in between commercial breaks.  Being in the same room with the people I love most in this world: My husband, my children and my parents...seriously, you just can't beat that.

Summer Trends

There are several trends emerging this summer that have me pushing the crazy button...
1.Why is closing car doors so easily forgotten by my children?  As I'm walking in carrying 15 bags, plus whatever odds and ends I can hold in between my fingers, my children crawl out of the car...only to leave the door open and the battery draining.  This trend will be rectified immediately.  And NOT with a sticker chart.  2.  What is up with a MASSIVE injury nearly every day.  Two near-concussions, one (pedestrian) collision with a huge tree, a bloody nose yesterday, a tumble down the entire stair case today...all accompanied by the kind of screams a mom dreads! I think we may be investing in bubble wrap around here!   3.  "Mom, Look!"  (per my children)  "Sarah, Look!"  (per my babysitting kids)  is no longer a reliable way to make me look at anything.  EVER.  Because, yes, I know your toe has dirt.  Yes, I do know that is a purple crayon.  Yup.  You have boogers.  Uh, uh.  I know you know how to spell "cow." I will not look at anything on a paper, until that paper is completed.  Until every workbook answer is filled in.  Until every I is topped with a dot, until every cranny of your fairy's wings have been colored in.   I'm actually contemplating a five look minimum, per kid, and times like cooking and washing dishes that make me exempt from looking.
Please, don't take this post as complaining.  It's not.  I love my children.  I love my job.  I love summer.  And most of all, I love the fact that because we are so busy going places, and getting injured, and creating things that my kids never, ever say, "I'm bored."

GRACE

Grace.

A rich, lovely gift that comes straight from the heart of God.  Through his son. At no cost to me.  Freely given. That's heavenly grace.

Grace.

Giving a person the ability to just be who they are, without coming down too hard on them...accepting them, loving them.  That's the earthly version.

I've always felt called to be a "grace giver."  God has called me to live a life of compassion.  I have always had the ability to love a little bit deeper than the average person.  I forgive things that most people could never let go of.  Some people calling that "getting walked all over."  I call it love.  I do not say that to brag of myself, but only to recognize God's calling on my life.  The only way to be who we really are is to be who God has called us to be.  (That's almost as good as Lydia saying, "If I was still three, then I couldn't be four.")

Anyways, being one who has been called to extend special measures of grace, has it's challenges.  Moving past moments that have crushed me, letting go of my "human rights" and living with a heart that is more emotional, so tender, that most people can not even understand the depth of my emotions. Part of the reason we have no network or cable TV in our home is because I would watch the news and just sob.  Faces would be etched in my memory of hurting people.  People I could't help.  But, I couldn't forget them.  So, I did what I had to and stopped watching.

But, when it's your family, and it's real life, there is no TV to shut off.  My heart aches for my Dad and Mom.  My Gram.  David's Gram.  David's Aunt Terry.  Now, my cousin Chris.  I can't look away from their pain.  So many people flippantly tell me to just 'let it go.' There are needs that are greater than people can imagine present. My heart aches.  I have no idea how situations will pan out, medically, spiritually, or financially.  Their are souls and lives at stake here.  Everyone else's answer is to let it go.  Yes, I pray for them all.  Yes, I trust God with them.  But, God called us to be people of action as well. Being a person of action means that sometimes I'm solving problems that are way beyond my capability.  Sometimes, I'm in situations that make me uncomfortable.  I'm trying to do what is in my power, without stealing any of God's power.  I mess up at that sometimes.

I guess the point of this all is I need grace too.  I need a little grace to fall apart sometimes.  I need people to understand that I'm not your average person.  I'm not even sure what "letting it go" is.  My friend Leah once said about me that I have a sensitive soul.  My heart breaks for people. It always has.  I remember sitting on a Santa's lap in the Value City store crying because I didn't understand why he couldn't give poor kids presents too.  I was four.  So, imagine, if my heart breaks for poor kids who I have never met, I'm pretty sure that my parent's situation, along with my other family members' ordeals, will make my stomach turn, my eyes tear up, and yes, maybe even leave me a little disheartened.  I'm human.  I'm a kid with parents who need more help than I could ever offer right now.  And, I'm being flooded on every angle.  What I really want is a hug, and some extra love.  And, while I'm always open to spiritual growth and maturing in my faith, sometimes I do not want a lesson on how to be a "better Christian" during these times.  I'm holding as tightly to my faith as I can right now, balancing more than most people could imagine, and trusting God's grace to cover my shortcomings there as well.  



  

Old Feelings Creeping Back In

When I write, I just assume that most of what I have felt has been felt by others as well.  Tonight, I'll be making that assumption yet again.  Do you remember in junior high where you were never quite sure that you even liked yourself?  And did you ever wonder how anyone else could even enjoy being around you?  I remember feeling that way all the time.  I often felt cumbersome, dorky, and most of the time on the fringe, looking in.  
As I grew older, I had a group of friends who made me feel accepted, yet I struggled with that confidence.  I never felt quite like I lived up to the expectations or characteristics that everyone else seemed to think I fit into.  I never felt quite as smart, good, or happy as everyone thought I was.
This same struggle has carried over into adulthood.  The difference now is that I know that my worth, my 'goodness' and my identity are truly all rooted in Christ.  Honestly, who I am has very little to do with me.  It's because of who I am in Christ.
But, lately, I have been really struggling again.  I feel so insufficient. So empty handed.  I often get these really kind compliments, and while they make me feel really good, I also feel really...awkward.  Sometimes I almost want to say, "Really? I'm a mess.  How could you even think a good thought about me?"  I have never felt so grossly inadequate in my life.  My load is so big, my scale has creeped back up the last few days, my schedule too full, and my mind too cluttered.  
I need to remember the key of what I said before.  Who I am, whatever I am in that particular moment, is rooted in Christ's redemption.  I need to let go of my insecurities and shortcomings and remember that through Christ I can be all He meant me to be.  I don't have to focus on my "feelings" but rather I must focus on the truth.  
I need to take my eyes off me---turn them to Him---and let him figure me out.
Trusting God to see me through this night---asking Him to fix my eyes truly on Him.  

A Good Day

Ahhh!  VBS is done.  Dad is back at the Rehab hospital, right where he belongs, for the moment.  My house is in order. We've had a wonderful day.  *happy sigh*

As I look through the calendar, not a regular week seems to be on the horizon until early August.  

The week ahead is another busy one, but it has a bit more of a relaxed rhythm.  Lots of work ahead this week, which is always a blessing.  Also, a big step of faith for both Micah and myself as he heads off to Camp Judson for 3.5 days.  I just keep reminding myself that camp is a great way to help Micah claim faith as his own!  On Thursday, Lydia and I are living it up with "Mommy Camp" which includes the beach, doing our nails, and perhaps an evening date with Daddy.  The weekend, as is our usual for summer time, is filled with plenty of picnics and entertainment.

Our countdown is on for our Spanish friend who is coming to stay with us.  She is a monitor for the minors coming, so once again, we are hosting someone in their twenties!  I love hosting the adults.  This will be Maria's first time in the states, so we feel very honored to have that opportunity!  Micah and Lydia are already claiming stakes to the first Maria hugs!  

I'm enjoying the time with Micah and Lydia now that they are home with me for the summer.  However, I have felt myself becoming a little short with them.  It's a reminder that even though my normal schedule has changed, I still need to make time each and every morning to ask for a fresh fill of the Holy Spirit and to read the Bible and apply it to my life and how I interact with the precious children around me.  

Lately, they have been stealing my heart, with little smiles, or the way they proudly proclaim that even if they had a choice for another Mama and Daddy they would still pick us.  Or the way they passionately fall to their knees in prayer sometimes, yet when it comes to praying before meals, you've never heard two children talk so fast!  We are watching they both master new skills---Lydia slowly learning new vocabulary words, or how to draw alligators with Daddy.  Micah is working on learning how to ride his bike with no training wheels or how to tie his shoes.  (Yes, most kids his age can do both of these, the task is just taking a little longer around here.)  He has made up his mind that he wants to be "super secret pen pals" with his cousin Kyle and wrote a wonderful first letter this evening.  His writing skills are much better than the biking! :)

Parenting is mostly blissful in this neck of the woods currently.  Yeah, there are moments, but we've been using them as "teaching moments" and making the best of it.  Perhaps it's just the fact that everything else in life has been so hard, that truly sharing life with Micah and Lydia seems easy.  I'm not sure the reasoning, but I am definitely sure of how blessed I feel.  That blessing is spilling over into the marriage realm of life too.  It's nice to know that when I'm in these four walls, I'm safe.  No matter how bad...or how good...of a day I'm having!

WAGGING!!!

Today, at VBS, our memory verse was, "Don't worry about anything.  Pray about everything."  Yeah, that's the stuff.  Especially since I've been a little tied to the sin of worry lately.  So, I woke up, and thanked God for waking up.  I thank God for my shower and for the fact that I didn't get wet as I walked to my car.  I praised God for my children.  My husband.  My parents.  My church.  My friends.  VBS.  Oh, yeah, tons of praises pouring out everywhere.

I let the praises continue at the park.  While the five children I had with me played, I wrote praises in my prayer journal.  First.  Before I talked about my "concerns."  (Really, a fancy word for worry.)
I praised God that my dad is still alive.  That eventually he should end up back in Meadville at Rehab. That I have been able to share God's love with him in my own "Sarah way." I praised God for the way my friends have been reaching out to me.  I even took time to look at Lydia's little face and how beautiful she looked as she was swinging back and forth on the swings.  The way her hair went up and down, sometimes covering her face, sometimes flying back behind her.  Oh, the beauty of a child having fun.

The praises have continued.  I am currently thanking God for a full belly.  My friend Sam cooked us the most amazing roast for dinner.  Seriously, you can not even understand the deliciousness of this roast.  I've never ate anything like it.  Lydia said it tasted, "like a dream."  Logan (my "nephew" who is with us tonight) gave it an A++.  Those are pretty high praises from children.  I actually feared my husband may never like my cooking again after tasting the glory that is the roast!

More gratitude flows when I think of how my friend Betsy let us swim in her pool tonight.  She generously allows us to take our children there and give them a fun time.  With finances being so tight for us, allowing us that family fun time means so much to me.  It's a bigger blessing than Betsy realizes, I imagine!

With all this thanksgiving, I had a better day than I have had in weeks.  It is humbling to think that if I can just set my mind on the proper thinking mode that I can get through the day much more gracefully.  I know tomorrow has many blessings in store as well, so I'm going to bed tonight ready to wake up with my heart set on Scripture, on a God who loves me, and praises to Him on my lips.

And, I'll try not to worry about the storms moving in.  (Oh, when will I ever learn!?!)

VBS Eve

Tomorrow is the start of the Cambridge Springs Community Vacation Bible School!  It's my third year being the director of the preschool program, which usually has about 60 kids ages 3-5!  

I tend to be a bit hyper about VBS!  I love sharing Jesus with children.  I love working with other adults who love Jesus to proclaim the gospel.  And, even if it is only for 15 hours one week, I enjoy making an impact in these kids' lives.  I can show them love, let them know their value in Christ, and help them know they are important, even if they are teeny, tiny people.
Unfortunately, this year, the sadness about my dad's health has clouded my VBS joy.  

However, in just the way the Holy Spirit works, at just the right time, I can feel the darkness lifting a little.  Today, I had the worst headache...toeing the line of a migraine. When I would step out of the house and into the sun, I would want to vomit.  I cried a lot today.  I wept for my dad and his health, the intense urgency I have for his salvation, but I wept for me too.  I miss feeling like myself.  Including the way I feel on VBS Eve.

Now that my headache finally went away (with the help of a lot of medicine, and a bottle of Coca-Cola), I am starting to feel a little bit more hopeful, and more energetic about tomorrow, and the rest of VBS week.  I know I can trust God to carry me through. I can trust the Lord to meet my needs, and I know that the reward for being faithful to Him, despite all the hardships all around me, can be big.  Who know?  Maybe that reward will even be a heart or two or sixty turning to Christ over the course of the week.  And maybe, soon, that reward will be one very special heart, the heart I've been praying for since the day I asked Jesus into my own heart, turning to Christ too!