When I write, I just assume that most of what I have felt has been felt by others as well. Tonight, I'll be making that assumption yet again. Do you remember in junior high where you were never quite sure that you even liked yourself? And did you ever wonder how anyone else could even enjoy being around you? I remember feeling that way all the time. I often felt cumbersome, dorky, and most of the time on the fringe, looking in.
As I grew older, I had a group of friends who made me feel accepted, yet I struggled with that confidence. I never felt quite like I lived up to the expectations or characteristics that everyone else seemed to think I fit into. I never felt quite as smart, good, or happy as everyone thought I was.
This same struggle has carried over into adulthood. The difference now is that I know that my worth, my 'goodness' and my identity are truly all rooted in Christ. Honestly, who I am has very little to do with me. It's because of who I am in Christ.
But, lately, I have been really struggling again. I feel so insufficient. So empty handed. I often get these really kind compliments, and while they make me feel really good, I also feel really...awkward. Sometimes I almost want to say, "Really? I'm a mess. How could you even think a good thought about me?" I have never felt so grossly inadequate in my life. My load is so big, my scale has creeped back up the last few days, my schedule too full, and my mind too cluttered.
I need to remember the key of what I said before. Who I am, whatever I am in that particular moment, is rooted in Christ's redemption. I need to let go of my insecurities and shortcomings and remember that through Christ I can be all He meant me to be. I don't have to focus on my "feelings" but rather I must focus on the truth.
I need to take my eyes off me---turn them to Him---and let him figure me out.
Trusting God to see me through this night---asking Him to fix my eyes truly on Him.
Totally know what you mean! Have you read the book "the four agreements"? Its a great book. I took a lot away from it the first time and I am picking it up again to refresh. The best thing I learned is I can only do my best today and everyday my best is different.
ReplyDeleteOh Sarah, been there, felt that. There is nothing new under the sun and we all have a lot more in common than we know, regardless of size, shape, atheltic ability, beauty or brains! Insecurity is rampant. I believe it's the enemy's best tool. But look at you! You're not letting the evil one have his way because you know you were bought with a price and you belong to the King of Kings! The reason people compliment you is because you bear His image daily: smiling, shining and shrinking for Jesus! And that last part, sorry, but it might be your thorn. It's not removed, it keeps you humble, you're giving it to God and doing your part -- so just keep on keeping on girlie! But don't give it more power over you than it deserves :)
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