30 Goals...

This year I turn the BIG 3-0!
So many people my age have been lamenting the aging process.  Many friends have literally spilled tears over the decade change.  Not this girl!  I'm embracing it!  I know that each and every single day is a gift!  And I wanted to celebrate turning 30 all year long.
At the beginning of the year, I started thinking of 30 things I would like to do.  30 mini-resolutions.  Well, I figured since my birthday is in 3.5 weeks I better set my mind to officially composing the list and celebrating the things I have already accomplished in the first 100 days of the year.

Drum Roll Please....the unveiling of my 30 for 30 list!

1.  Learn to make bread
2.  100 hours of exercise through out the year (I'm currently at 27)
3.  Be below 300 pounds by 2014 (I'm at 324 right now)
4.  Visit Lareina this year.  (Because of financial and scheduling conflicts I have not been to visit my dear friend's home since January of 2012 and I have to say that her home is one of the places I love most on this earth.  I love being with her, being completely me, cooking, feeling a little like Laura Ingalls on their small farm....it soothes me so much!)
5.  Visit Marty and Terry.  (Finally!  After 3 years of trying, we were able to accomplish this goal!)
6.  Get a mani/pedi. (This was a goal that just came to me today as my friend Amanda was posting about how she was getting one today.  I realized that I have never had a mani/pedi and what a great way to celebrate being 30!)
7.  Riding 300 miles on my recumbent bike (check!)
8.  Going camping.  (This was a goal last year, and we never accomplished it...this year, it's gonna happen!)
9.  Visit a new place in Erie or Meadville.
10.  Build an Adirondack chair with my daddy.  (I miss doing projects with my dad.  We laugh, we fight, we accomplish things together.  I'm really looking forward to this one!)
11.  Fast for a full 3 days.  Pray for my future, how God wants to grow our family, how to be the best wife and mom that I can be.  I'm looking forward to this spiritual retreat!
12.  Bake a homemade cheesecake.
13.  Read all my Trixie Belden books
14.  Grow herbs.
15.  Sew something.
16.  Finally turn my bedroom into an oasis.  (Every magazine article on organizing recommends this...)
17.  Go an entire week without driving. (I.E.  Learn to appreciate the simplicity of being at home.  P.S. This is only allowed to be broken in the case of hospital emergencies!)
18.  September scrimp and save (My friends Keith and Katie have done this for years.  It will probably look a little different in our home than theirs, but the goal is to be frugal and have fun doing it!)
19.  Learn how to effectively use coupons.
20.  Save at least $500.00 this summer (in an actual savings account, for winter hard times.  This does not include what we already plan on tucking away.  This is above and beyond our preplanned winter goals)
21.  Go an entire month without eating pizza.  (Admission...slight pizza addiction here)
22.  Help Cliff and Erin raise $500.00 for adopting their little boy Micah.  (I want to adopt so bad, but we are in the "wait" stage here.  And not waiting on a baby.  Rather, waiting on God.  So, in the lull, I want to help them.  As a result I'm leading an effort called "Change for Micah" where many of my friends have committed to save their change for a month.  I'm hoping all together that we can reach a goal of $500.00!)
23.  Spend an entire day helping my mom with anything she needs help with.  (I'm soooo excited about this one!  She's spent a life time helping me and I just want to bless her.)
24.  Go on a day trip to New Castle with my Gram.  It's been a while since Gram and I have done this.  25.  Plan the Date Night project for our church.
26.  Memorize the books of the Bible, once and for all...I had them down...but then I forgot them...I've done that 3 times now.  I WILL get this!
27.  Finish memorizing Romans 8.  It was supposed to be done for Easter.  I only got to verse 5.  *sigh*
28.  Hit 100 blog posts written.  I need to write about 2 a week to really accomplish this one.
29.  This is a two part goal.  Spend 1 day devoted to each child.  Their own special day.  Complete with pictures and writing about our day together.
30.  And entire weekend with just David and I.  We need this.  Desperately!

As you can see from my strike throughs, I've accomplished a few.  Many of them I've been chipping away at little by little!  Some of them simply have to wait until summer.  I'm really excited about this list.

I have a short term list of goals that I will be blogging about in the next couple days.  These are things I want to accomplish by my actual birthday.  I am surprised at how invigorating making goals is.  Maybe you could try making one or two goals for yourself and see how you feel after you think about accomplishing these goals!  Email me or let me know in the comments section!  I'm excited to hear from you!

A Weird Little Change

I made a weird change to my healthy lifestyle pursuit over the last week.  
At first, it happened by accident.  
When we went on vacation, I quit journaling my food on My Fitness Pal because it was so hard to get an accurate calorie count on what I was eating and when and how much.  However, the downside of that was I quit journaling my food intake all together.  As a result I ate many goodies that perhaps I would have avoided with that written accountablilty.
As we reentered normal life, I was struggling signing back into My Fitness Pal.  Part of it was because I had not yet recommitted myself back to normal healthy eating.  Another reason was because we had family in from Georgia that week, David's birthday party, and several family crisises to keep my busy.  However, I did jot notes down on what I had been eating.  I wrote them on a legal pad, in scribbled writing, but the summary of what I ate was there.  And each day my list started to look a little healthier.
When I weighed in on Tuesday, I was down about 3 pounds.  
As I thought about it, I realized that I was actually eating less by not using MFP.
Now, please, do not misunderstand me.  I LOVE MFP!  I love using it to track myself and to help me obtain my goals.  But, right now I think I'm being challenged to a different thought pattern.  See, on MFP it reminds me every day that in order to lose the healthy 2 pounds a week that I should be eating approx 1800 calories a day (this is based off a complex formula using weight, age, activity level, etc.)  And let me tell you, I LOVE being able to eat 1800 calories a day and still lose weight.
But, God has set a new challenge in front of me...a new mind set.  
Instead of always looking at "HOW MUCH CAN I HAVE" maybe I should be looking at "HOW LITTLE DO I NEED?"
Before everyone starts getting worried about me or thinking that I'm starving myself, let me assure you that I'm not.  I'm still eating 2-3 meals a day, with 1-3 snacks. And, right now, I am planning on this just being a season.  Eventually I will go back to using MFP as a tool, but not until I get my heart and mind submitted a little more to Christ instead of the numbers and how I can "work the system" to eat as much as I want.
See, here was the issue. I would start out my day with a base calorie goal of 1800 calories.  But what would happen is as I would enter my circuit training that would give me another 700 calories that I burned, or an extra 400 calories from biking, or sometimes I would exercise a lot and end up with 1400 extra calories and all the sudden I had an excuse to eat a high calorie, fatty meal, so I would hit my 1800 calorie goal. (It's weird, it's all these net calories and total calories, etc...hard to explain, but long story short, I was using the numbers as justification to overeat.)
I need to let the Lord fill me and be my portion.  I need to exercise because it's good for my body and soul and not because it lets me eat another 400 extra calories.
I need to get my mind off of the numbers for a while, and instead let my heart focus on God.
So, I went to the Dollar General store, bought myself a pretty little notebook for a dollar, and I'm focusing very hard on eating only when I feel truly hungry, trying to make decent choices in the process, and stopping before I get full, just at that satisfied mark.  And, the best part, I'm trying to let God fill me up, and not food.  

The Passing Storm

I'm settling down into my computer chair, with my stomach fluttering a little.  I wonder if it would be wise to maybe unplug the computer, shut the windows and just relax.  But, the rumble outside stirs my soul up in a way and I just want  to hear what lessons the Lord is speaking to me, right now in the moment.  In the scary, unknown moment.
Even as I typed that last sentence, the rain intensifies in speed, and is coming down really hard.  I hear it slapping against the side of my house and it's coming in windows that I had left open. The thunder's boom is greater, stronger, and more threatening than before.  Yes, I'm a little jumpy with each flash of lightning, but I keep praying my "go to" prayer right now..."Lord, help me be okay with being unsettled."
Oh, how my life reminds me of this hard spring rain with all kinds of ominous noise in the background.
I'm thankful that right now, I can see the beauty of my rainstorm.  The fact that even though things are intense, I feel miserable, and that seemingly bad things are happening all around...even through all of that, I can look in between the rain drops.  And just like this spring storm right now, I can still hear the birds chirping and I can see the grass growing greener by the minute.  There's so much good in these storms.
Sure, that blasted roof in the downstairs bathroom will probably be leaking for a day or two from the hard rains, and I will have a nice pile of twigs to pick up, and we will have mud to slosh around in as we walk and play in the yard. But, is there anything as fun and rejuvenating in the world as puddle jumping?  Picking up sticks is great exercise, and when the storm passes, it makes us so grateful for the sunshine.  Even the leaky roof...it's fixable...with the right amount of time and sacrifice!
And, this storm that's passing by our little town right now, it ended up being longer than I expected.  Not terribly longer, just longer than what I had thought.  But, it's settled down.  And actually, I already miss the flashes of lightning.  I'm soothed by the little bit of thunder I still hear rumbling in the distance.
Just like I chose to fight against the fear of the storm, I'm going to choose to fight against the misery that often accompanies life's storms.  I will choose joy.  I will choose optimism.  I will choose to keep on going, even if it looks like I'm loosing the battle.  And I will remember that I've been called by God, that I'm loved by God, and that in all things, He has my good in mind.  (Romans 8:28)
On Monday, I asked my Bible study girls to pray that God would remove the black cloud hanging over my head lately.  God didn't answer that prayer.  Instead, He gave me another answer that was much more satisfying...the ability to see that silver lining.

The Slumps

Slumps are no fun.
Dealing with people you love in the hospital is stressful.
Struggling to know how to properly maintain relationships is not exactly a piece of cake.
Being uncertain about the security of your job is nerve-wrecking.
Feeling like you are a failure is miserable.
Knowing that no matter how hard you try to make the world happy, that you let people down is heart breaking.
Watching relationships struggle or fall apart all around you is terrifying.
Being sick while dealing with all of that is down right miserable.
Oh, and did I mention I have to get a tooth pulled too?

And sadly, those things are just the tip of the ice berg in my life right now.  Seriously.  I got problems. Issues.  Situations.  Whatever you wish to call them...I got 'em.

Needless to say, I'm not doing so hot with my health goals.

But, I know I can bounce back.  I'm a gal with resources.

I just sent out an SOS to some of my Imagine You Renewed friends.  Because, we always learn there about how we are a "WE" and not "I."  And if that is the case, I need a fresh dose of "WE" to help "me" out of this funk.

I have a few Scriptures that I am clinging tight to right now.  Scriptures that remind me to be thanking God in all circumstances.  Words from the Lord that assure me moments like this in life are capable of growing me, turning me into someone more mature, making me complete.  Scriptures that challenge me to have a different heart, like Caleb did.  Passages that remind me that God has my back and that we can indeed choose to be content, no matter what our current circumstances, like Paul.

I also have a very special group of ladies I meet with on Mondays.  Today, we simply spent the day praying for the things nearest and heaviest on our hearts.  

I have support.  I have resources.  I have hope.  
Yes, it's hard right now.
But, it's overcomeable.  I know that is not even a word.  But, I'm claiming right here, right now, that all these trials are overcomeable!  

Tomorrow, I will wake up to a fresh start.  I can't change anything that's happened in the past.  I can only go from here on out.  And through Christ, I know I have the strength to be an overcomer!  

1 John 4:4 "You dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world."

The risk of beautiful things

About three weeks ago, one of my nearest and dearest friends Robin brought me the most BEAUTIFUL bouquet of spring flowers.  They were breathtaking, and every single time I looked at them, the reminded me of our friendship and they made me smile.
Well, after three weeks, the flowers life span had been fulfilled.  The water smelled stagnant and had turned a murky brown.  I had to throw them away.

As I gently shook the rank water off the stems of my flowers, I thought of how many times I've heard people say they hate flowers because they die and then you have to throw them away.

It was at that moment, even with the foul odor ripe in my nose, that I realized I wouldn't have wanted to miss the beauty of those flowers in my life over the last three weeks.  Even though throwing them away was bittersweet, I received daily joy from those flowers.

In order to enjoy life, love, or beauty, there's always a risk of loss.  Whether it be from death, disagreement, space or time, that happens.  But, it doesn't mean we should not enjoy the beauty while it is right there in front of us!

Take the risk of loss, and enjoy the beauty in your life today!

Breaking the rules

For the longest time, I had a rule.
Never, EVER go to the doctors alone.
I was 18 years old the first time I did go to the doctors alone.  And, while I was there, my (male) doctor told me as gently as he could that because of my medical past and the things I had gone through a year earlier, I would never have children.
That kind of started a trend.  It was bad news for the next 4 or 5 years of doctors appointments.  Even when I realized that the doctor was mistaken as I went to doctors appointments for my two pregnancies, there was never a whole lot of good news.  It was usually one health battle after another health battle.  Most of these health battles are chronic and weight related.
Well, yesterday, I broke my rule.
I had done lab work before we left on vacation and yesterday was the day to meet with the doctor and review all my labs.  I decided to face the numbers all on my own.  After all those numbers are a direct result of my choices, no one else's.  I could actually feel my pulse pounding as I shut off the ignition.  I had to mentally propel myself to walk in the office.  But, like a brave little soldier, I did it.  
Now, I don't mean to brag or anything, but my doctor is probably better than yours! :)  Her name is Dr. Howick and she is the first doctor that I felt has ever really deeply cared about me.  She remembers my family members names, she remembers details about our last visit and she understands that it takes time to conquer these battles.  She doesn't expect perfection from me, just progress.  And, she tends to prefer the slow and steady progress.  She truly is one of a kind, and I'm so thankful that God led me to her.
I was amazed as we reviewed my labs, and it was almost all good news!  Of course, I still weigh almost 330 pounds, and I'm still toeing the line of diabetes, but all my labs are looking beautiful.  They are improving bit by bit.
I left her office feeling so encouraged.  I know I can not change everything overnight, but knowing that I have another set of labs in six months makes me want to make good decisions day by day.  I set a goal to be under 300 pounds when I go back in October.  
That is a goal I've set many times, and I've never reached it.  Well, this time I'm accomplishing it.  It's those daily decisions of good food choices and exercise.  It's those daily disciplines of being in God's word and surrounding myself on a regular basis with people who will help me accomplish my goals.  It's daily.  Everyday.  
So, even though I was brave and went to the doctors alone yesterday, I realized that I'm not really created for aloneness.  Because even though I received good news, I couldn't wait to share it with someone else!  
I think that is part of why writing this blog is so motivating for me. It connects me with people.  And I know that if I can remain committed to writing here too, that I'll be so much more likely to walk in that office in October with my weight FINALLY starting with a "2!"  

Routines

Oh, the more we learn, the more we see that we know very little.  
I'm back from vacation.
T'was a delightful 600 mile jaunt to Tennessee.  Spending time with Marty and Terry was incredible.  Watching my children's faces light up with huge smiles whenever they experienced little "God breezes" on their trip was amazing.  (God created a fish that greatly resembles a unicorn, and Lydia was able to see a dream come true just in that little fish!)
However, as vacation often does, it took a toll on my healthy eating and exercising habits.  I never felt like I completely threw in the towel, and really, the "damage" on the scale was insignificant.  However, what happens when we get out of our routine?
We get out of our routine!  
Some of my healthier parts of my daily routine are a healthy dose of Scripture most days, lots of contemplation of God's word (this is where folding laundry and scrubbing dishes really increases my faith!), and of course writing.  I read little devotions each day, but really didn't satiate myself in the Word as I planned.  I left my routines and disciplines at home, unfortunately.  I did exercise by walking, but that was about it.  
As a result, while I arrived home feeling incredibly blessed and refreshed, I also feel a little bit like a spiritual lightweight right now.  And, yet again, I have a super busy week.  I am writing this little confession to you so that I can hold myself accountable and find some time to steal away and be still before the Lord.  To digest a larger chunk of his Word---definitively a piece bigger than the piece of cheesecake I indulged in on vacation!