I feel that way all the time, but deep down, I know the 150th time I heard something in the last week was absolutely necessary for me to hear...in order for it to finally sink in.
I have felt that way with a verse that just keeps popping up all over the place this week. It is my First Place for Health memory verse this week.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9
That verse strikes a chord in me. What is good? Well, I know for sure that obedience to God is good. And I know for sure that God has called me to be healthy. I even know for this season of Lent that God has clearly called me to a rather restrictive eating plan. I know that God wants my body to be strong. These are all good things. And God clearly tells me to not become weary in doing these things. Yet, (I'm shaking my head right now...) I became weary today.
For the last 11 days, I have said no to sugar. No to carbs. No to fried things. Despite a couple restaurant meals, traveling last weekend, time with friends, and all other kinds of challenges, I continually said no. And it was empowering and felt awesome. However, today, I became weary. I'm not sure if it was my generalized mood. I'm not sure if it was exhaustion. I'm not sure if it was hormones. It could even be the fact that despite a commitment to 1500 calories, my body has not let go of weight the last few days. But, today, I snapped. I ate a cupcake at a party. Then, I had pizza dip, which in and of itself was not terrible, and actually fit right into my eating plan, but I slathered that dip on thick slices of crust. Then, apparently I decided that I needed chicken wings (with oodles of ranch, of course) and a candy bar. I'm not sure what happened. Or how. And, its hard to admit it. Shame is encircling me. I gave up the victory my friends. And it does not feel good.
I feel heart broken. I know I sinned today. I'm not saying that indulging every once in a while is sin, but I know for me, right now, in the season of obedience that God has clearly called me to, I did sin.
So, here is where the choice comes. I know I broke God's heart today. I broke my own heart today. So, I can choose to confess, repent and move on. Or I can stay in self-contempt and probably spend tomorrow and the following 8 or 9 days in a downward spiral.
You all know what I'm going to choose right?!? That's right! I'm picking myself up. I'm going to climb myself upstairs, get on my knees, and spend time with my glorious God in prayer. I'm going to ask Him for forgiveness. I'm going to ask him to help me remember the harvest that will come when I continually press on. I'll admit to my Heavenly Father that I'm scared. I'm scared of how I will survive Lydia's (my daughter) 3rd birthday party next week. How am I going to say no to cupcakes that day? What will I serve that will benefit everyone at the party? What if I fail again in another 11 days? I don't want to be disobedient to the Father who continually extends me grace. How can I get my mind to agree with my spirit?
I have none of those answers, but they are waiting for me. So, for now, I'm signing off. I have an important visit with a God who loves me, covers me with grace, even when I can barely handle the thought of going to him. But, I want to leave with one little thought...without the Scriptures I've studied over the last 6 weeks with Made to Crave, I would never have realized that God wants to hear from me right now. My shame would distance me from him for weeks at a time. Please, get into the Word! Let it rescue you from sin! I'm just so thankful for the TRUTH God has provided me with...especially for moments like these!
Can you share a moment with me, when God's word clearly provided the direction, comfort or grace you needed?