It's one that I can not identify.
I never know if it is off or on.
It doesn't seem to be affected by willpower.
It doesn't listen to reason.,
It follows no apparent rules or pattern, at least that I can identify.
And this switch DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!
Today, I got up. I did everything the same as I normally do. I hopped on the scale (which still says I weigh 337 by the way...which is up 2 pounds, and has been for the last three days), I got Micah off to school, Lydia and I went off to work. I did my Bible study there. It encouraged me. It inspired me. I felt moved to continue in obedience to God. I made a few phone calls. I drank lots of water. I cleaned up. I made lunch...and then it happened....the switch.
Suddenly, feeling of torment hit. I felt so hungry and deprived. I felt there was no way my lunch of veggie and chicken soup could sustain me alone. So, I sprinkled dry stuffing mix on my soup. Then, I ate some dark chocolate. And I nibbled on pieces of cheese and almonds and a handful of stale M&M's from my glove compartment. I think somewhere in there I ate some pretzels, a vanilla wafer cookie, and I'm sure there were other things that I can not think of. SERIOUSLY? What is wrong with me? Not even thinking about the spiritual side of things, I have weigh in tonight too!!!!
Why does this happen? Why can't I remember during those moments how much I am loved? Why do I still believe that somehow overindulging will make me feel better? Why do I not realize that the only thing that will follow is an upset tummy and guilt? Why can't I see past the chocolate, and look into the future and visualize me reaching my goals? Where is the real me at those moments? The child of God, being led by the Spirit? And how does that switch flip? And what causes it? These are all questions that I will be digging for answers to.
Does anyone else have a switch? What flips it? Any insight or wisdom to share with me?
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Psalms 51:10-12
I love those verses because it talks about the steadfast spirit. That is my hearts desire. I want consistency and stick-to-it-ness. I also want a willing spirit. It says when we are willing in our spirits that God can sustain us. That's encouraging to me. So, for now, until I figure out how to overcome the flip of the switch, I'm going to pray this Psalm back to God. And ask him for a complete filling of His Holy Spirit and the joy that comes with salvation.