***Disclaimer: This post took a completely different turn than what I originally planned on writing about. But, I posted it anyways, because the gentle conviction of the Spirit was worth it. I have a feeling I will revisit this post often, since I have found myself in this place before, and I imagine I may be here again.***
"Look to the Lord and his strength: seek his face always" Psalm 105:4
Right now, at this very moment, I have a decision to make. You, my reader friends, are my helpers right now. I need prayer. I need to remember that my strength comes from the Lord. I need to remember that in DUE TIME I will reap benefits for my hard work.
It is so disheartening to see the scale absolutely stuck for the last two weeks. I was at 335 two weeks ago when I began writing in this blog. When I got sick, despite much leaving my body, I STILL gained, and was up to 339. Add in some hormonal issues, a little sleep deprivation, and yes, I'll admit it, some straying off my eating plan, and I was continually hovering around 337. But, this week, I've been so diligent. I've been disciplined with my eating. At MOPS, I avoided all the delectable treats, and feasted on a big, satisfying salad. Last night, when we had friends over for tacos, I made mine into a salad that followed my guidelines. I even passed on dessert and ate a Greek yogurt instead. I've made choices on our dinner with The Oakes Family and my parents that will help me be successful. I've been walking, and moving, despite a shoulder and ankle injury. I have kept pressing on, despite how hard it can be to do these things.
But, today, I weighed in, and it still said 336.4. *Sigh* How frustrating. I was so hoping for even 334.9 (I want below 335 so badly!). I'm going to carefully track every single bite today. I'm going to examine myself and make sure I'm not consuming more than I think. I will drink at least 100 ounces of water.
It's frustrating. I want to throw in the towel for the weekend and enjoy all kinds of goodies, especially since Lydia's rescheduled party is tomorrow. But, already as I spoke about examining myself, I've realized some issues I need to work on. #1. This week, despite my diligence in the eating arena, I haven't done my Bible Study like normal. I've read some good Christian things, even a few devotionals here and there, and I've gone to three small groups...yet, I haven't been digging on my own like I know I should. Perhaps getting truly realigned with scripture will help me. #2. I really do need to be tracking my food. Enough said. #3. I have had a few big emotional issues that I can't really talk to anyone about come up. I don't know how much truth there is about that hormone cortisol and weight gain in regards to stress, but it sounds like even though I can't talk to any other "human" about these things, that I need to chat with the Lord. I'm not sure why prayer comes so easily at times, and than other times, it's hard to even say hi to God.
I just posted on my dear friend Jenna's blog about this yesterday, and the same truth I wrote to her, I'm writing to myself (and perhaps you) this morning. A definition of a good week is not what the scale says, but rather our obedience. Even as I write this, its becoming more and more clear to me that perhaps I wasn't as obedient as I thought. Maybe, as I've told myself before, that pesky number on the scale isn't so bad (even when it rises) if you look at it as a reminder that when it is not where it needs to be, than chances are I'm not either.
So, I am going to make a choice to see that number not as a harsh punishment, but rather gentle discipline to draw closer to the Lord and to follow His commands for my life more closely right now. I'm looking forward to spending time with Him. Drawing my delight not from food, but rather from Him.
Wow...isn't it so funny how when we actually process things, and quit defending the "little" sins, how God can change things around? I didn't want to be guilty in this post. But, the truth is, I am guilty of not being surrendered. I hate being convicted of it, because its hard to swallow (especially since the tendency arises to say, "But, what about that person?), but I'm so grateful that the Holy Spirit takes the time to show me where I'm wrong.
Now, my next choice is to do the next right thing. That's a concept from Made to Crave that I always liked. One choice leads to another, to another. So, even though my family will be having chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, I will choose to have a veggie omelet. I will choose to do my Bible study this morning. I will choose to be in prayer with God. I will chug some water. I will track what I ate. And, tomorrow, if the numbers still haven't changed, I will remind myself to read this post again.