I just feel like you should know that first off.
And one of those pieces was huge. And, I took several bites of cake that are not counted in that cake piece count.
And you should also know that the cake was not just an average piece of cake. (Or three pieces of cake). It was a devil's food cake mix, with Hershey's special dark pudding mix and sour cream added in to make it extra moist. I also added semi-sweet chocolate chips and of course a dollop of cool-whip on top.
I thought I could handle that cake being in the kitchen. And I could...yesterday. Only because I slept from 5:00 p.m. last night until nearly 7:00 this morning. But, I don't think I was downstairs more than 12 minutes when the green Anchor 9x13 pan began beckoning me. At first I just popped the lid open to see if my family had enjoyed any of the sweet treat. They had.
I put the lid back on, trying to forget the way the cake had smelled so alluring. I tried to remind myself that I have been sick and that sugar would in no way help my recovery. I tried to remind myself of my Bible study. I tried to stay strong.
Before I knew it, a fork had ended up in my hand. I had taken a bite. I put the fork in the sink. I walked away. Before I knew it, there I was standing at the stovetop again, armed with a new fork,(no need to be unsanitary...) and had a fresh bite dancing on my tongue. It was delightful.
As the day went on, I was able to mostly ignore the cake. Except that I didn't eat lunch because I wanted cake for lunch. I fought with myself, agonizing over how I couldn't eat cake for lunch, but I didn't want to eat anything else but that darn cake.
I eventually ate peppers, with a piece of cake, in the presence of my writing group. Who knows what would have happened if they hadn't of been there.
Oh, yeah. Then, I ate a piece of cake after dinner. Because, well, I reasoned in my mind, "Everyone else was having dessert." (If everyone else was jumping off a bridge....)
Anyways...one thing about being someone who struggles with their weight is that you become so skilled at justifying that it's ridiculous. Sometimes, all I have to tell myself is that it's okay. And, today I did that. "Yes, Sarah. It's okay that you ate three pieces of cake. You are doing well most of the time. And you really wanted that cake. So, it's okay."
And then I picked up my Made to Crave book.
And right there, in the middle of page twenty nine was a sentence that pierced my soul.
"God never intended for us to want anything more than we want Him."
My delicious chocolate cake turned in my too full stomach.
To some people, weight loss isn't a spiritual journey.
For me it is.
I can tell you that today, I wanted more cake more than anything else. More than a hug. More than a healthy lunch. More than money (unless I was going to use that money to buy more cake ingredients). More. Than. God.
That breaks my heart.
My Father in Heaven---I have no idea how to take the next step in this journey. God, I'm so sorry. I'm so humbled. Every time I think I have a handle on this, I realize I'm no where near close. Help me want you more than I want chocolate cake. Help me love you more than anything. Please, break me free from these addictions. Help me to repent. Because, God, right now, I'm not so sure I have the strength on my own to repent. I love you God, but help me love you more. Amen.
I'm going to go and take my broken heart and tears and dive into Psalm 51...It tells me that a broken spirit is what God desires. I'm going to rejoice because I think tonight's brokenness was just what I needed to really do this right. Check in tomorrow as I'll be writing my blog hop about what permissible vs. beneficial means. But, for now, if you could just pray for me. It's hard to be this vulnerable. It's hard to be this enslaved to food. But, I know that with God anything is possible...even breaking free.